blog entry (03/01/2015)
This blog is more of a diary that I'd otherwise not be inspired to write in unless it were
open to the world public as it is because it's a narcissist diary. So I figured out why the order
of the thumbs were alphabetical order of filename instead of the order I wanted, as I placed them
into the array of titles. It's because I iterated the scandir array and then the title name array
during the iteration, instead of vice versa. I rewrote to only reiterate inside reiterate to
check for thumbs and now only count if both files exist (you don't care) but so long story short,
now when I get around to adding titles to all these files. They will be the order I put them in.
It's more automated if I just go by filenames, but I want to add titles and give order. A little
more work than automated, but not (booya?) the supposed automated system I had first (I bragged about in
an early post) because I manually added all the file names, all the titles, all the thumbnail width height,
and all the photo width height. It was madness to call that automated. Pfff... I eat my own breakfast...
blog entry (02/07/2015)
I rewrote the thing that shows the whole art.php so now it refers to any array for a title
and thumb.jpg and lightbox.php sort of deal. What well if it doesn't find the that part of the array,
it just refers to scandir() to find all the image files that aren't in the title array. Instead it just
shows a filename for the title. I will need to get it caught up and name everything, but I'm lazy
there is like over 4 thumbnails! Also for styling and lightbox purposes I used Better Finder Rename to
add the width and height to the filename of each thing. So theres what that. I foretold there will be
much parts of this site broken yet or comics (more recent) not add, but it doesn't matter. I'm only doing
this for me. Nobody else will take that much note I'm just free wheeling here.
What that means it will show all the pictures and thumbs no matter what, just some don't have a title.
Now the only part I have to do manually is add a title to the the titles array with the property key
that matches the filename (sans the extra _w_ _h_ that is the file width/height). Before my system was
set up so that I had to manually add all the images into the array with filename and width and height
and it was a painstaking process. I also just ran all of my JPEGs thru ImageOptim app so they should
be more cost effective on bandwidth.
Another change I just did at 5am this morning is I put the folder of thumbnails into the directory
of each directory of JPEGs. Before I had two separate folders with identical folder structures
and one for full size and one for JPEGs which was painstaking for me to navigate to add new images
and such. This new system will be much more time saving for me as I curate my vast collection of crap.
It's not like the order matters in a TGP style art gallery, but for the life of me I don't know how to get
it in order. I add it to the array in the order of the titles array, but for some reason it comes out
alphabetical according to filename with titles first and filename titles second. Also it goes by null number
as alpha-greater than a number so filename comes after filename1 and filename2 which comes after filename12.
So I may have to write my own sort function.
blog entry (02/05/2015)
Back from the dead. I just decided to pull the jakejilg.com franchise and domain name off
of Tumblr and put it back onto paid hosting. Here or there, nobody will ever visit it
anyway. The 15 posts per page doesn't really organize and show all my crappy artwork at
once. I much prefer my thumbnail gallery and crappy IE'esque windowed lightbox for some
reason. I'm bringing it back. I've got much to do before this crappy site is back up and
running 100%. All the thumbnails and images in the art page are broken. I ran a duplicate
photo deleter on my harddrive and I accidentally deleted all the web exports because they
were too similar to the originals. I think I'm going to rewrite how the artpage works
anyway. Not much doing. This update is more for me to just switch my name servers and
A-RECORD CNAME stuff off of Tumblr and back onto my shared host. So much of the page is
broken right now. Coming back to life is not easy. You don't care because the odds are
that you and nobody else in the world will ever see jakejilg.com anyway. Goodbye Tumblr.
There will still be the B9MX Tumblr blog which you
will find encompasses all of my artwork in Tumblr blog form and there are also sub-blogs
with stuff like my photography, scripts, ect. there.
blog entry (04/14/2012)
Still, no new artwork. So I'm having a pretty shitty time lately. I went to the Red and
White game at Memorial Stadium, but it was cancelled due to thunderstorms. It wasn't even
raining when they announced that we had to leave. The thunder didn't really start until
three hours later. They at least could have played until it got bad. When I was in high
school, we played Burwell in a thunderstorm far worse than this. They never called the
game off, we just had to take timeouts to retreat to the locker-room, when it got too
nasty. This gave us more time to have our ass ripped by the coach for losing the game.
The Huskers officials are pussies. I'll bet that one of the refs had shit his pants or
something, and was just looking for an excuse to go home.
I'm not really a Husker fan. I'm only a Husker fan by proxy of my family,
because we watched so many games together. I don't know the players anymore
or even remember most of how football really goes, I just watch and
secretly hope they can get the ball in the in-zone or kick the field goal.
So in a way, I'm glad I didn't have to sit through the game. Anyway, since
we were in Lincoln, we decided to do some sight-seeing in the Haymarket. I
was with my two brothers and my sister-in-laws. I don't miss Lincoln; I
used to live there. I've gotten used to my small town. Even though there
was no game, there were Husker fans everywhere, screaming "Go Big Red"
cheers. We ate at a place called
Actually, I watched them eat; I wasn't
hungry. I don't know if it was the shitty weather, the game being called
off, the anxiety from the crowded streets and traffic, or maybe the fact
that everything on the BB's menu reminded me of road kill, but I just
wasn't having it. I'm trying to save my money anyway, because I don't work
full time like my brothers. I only ordered a $2 cup of coffee. The waitress
looked like she was 14 and she had a nasty scar on her face. It reminded me
of my scar from working at age 10, when I almost lost a finger to a mower
sickle. The place was busy, so I felt bad. I also know what it's like to
work in a restaurant (Sonic, McDonald's), so maybe I didn't order anything
just to take it easy on them. Their taxes pay me anyway. The place was
packed with Husker fans, so we had to eat outside on the stoop. It wasn't
even raining. The stoop was also packed. The food and coffee refills came
surprisingly fast though. I drank a few cups coffee, even though it tasted
like piss (cheap Wal-Mart instant coffee), but only because I didn't want
to make eye contact with my siblings while they were eating. They kept
offering me food, but I told them I felt sick. The four of them are all
obese, and they kept saying how skinny I was, and accused me of being some
kind of anorexic or some shit. I weigh 240 lbs! According to the calculator
I have BMI of 29.22 (6ft 4in, 240
lbs.) which is in the red and obese! My older brother (350 lbs. 6ft 3in)
was threatening me, saying that I'm too skinny and I'm acting "weird" and I
need to go back to the mental hospital. I think they are just getting blind
in their middle-ages. I'm the only one in my family who doesn't wear
glasses. (20/20 vision, but I see things that aren't there).
The mental hospital made me fat, because the medications have weight gain as a side effect. On top of that, the medications block all stimulation in my brain and make me depressed and I end up eating buckets of ice cream, desperate for a feeling. It's why I started smoking as well. I could probably try meth on antipsychotics and still only get back to level. When I tell the doctors that the neuroleptics are making me depressed, the doctors just put me on antidepressants. The only problem with that is that the antidepressants increase the production of serotonin, but I'm depressed from not having dopamine, as it's blocked by the antipsychotics. So all that the combination does, is give me the same brain chemistry of a female worker ant, which is a foreign feeling to me. That's why I'm like fuck that; I'm not taking my meds. They effect the brain far worse than the supposed mental illness. I used to have faith in the meds, when I was first diagnosed as a teenager, but then again I was 19 and I thought drugs were cool. Psychiatry has fucked up my brain, far worse than the supposed mental illness. See proof of my brain damage here (sad, but true). I started a discussion because I couldn't remember if Minnesota was a city or a state. I would have Googled it... IF I WAS A 9 YEAR OLD!!! I was so alarmed by my memory loss, that I needed to start a discussion. My mom was taking an antidepressant Celexa. It was the first time she had ever been on an antidepressant; before she had only had therapy and a mood stabilizer for a short time. Celexa lists suicidal ideation as one of the side effects. Sure enough, my mom killed herself after being on it for less than a year (2009). Celexa recommends going to a doctor if you suddenly want to kill yourself, but it fucked up her mind's chemistry so she wasn't thinking clearly enough to go to the doctor. I also know that mom never read the tiny print folded paper that comes with every bottle of pills. They have so much Greek, it probably intimidated her. When my parents were forcing me to take my Geodon, Zyprexa, Abilify, Risperdal, or Haldol, they never read the papers either. They just blindly gave me the shots, like the veterinarian had recommended it; like I was another one of the cows on their ranch and I had hoof and mouth. I read the papers. I didn't know all the Greek words, but I googled most of it. It turns out that all these meds do pretty much the same thing; block dopamine. This is very dangerous. Think of your brain as a sponge. When it's wet, it's healthy and malleable. I can think clearly and sharp. Then put the sponge in the microwave to dry it out. It breaks like a cookie. I have lost most of my childhood memories (the memories that I still have are distorted), and I now have a permanent akathisia in my neck and back (a neurological side effect of tinkering with the brain).
This might sound paranoid. I want to make a fair request that you are reminded that I am merely a creative person, while reading this. My past couple weeks have been hell for me. I'm not taking my meds, but it feels like I am. I've been dragging ass lately, like somehow, I've been secretly been receiving my 250 milligram Haldol shot. I've been tired as hell and I've had to consume dangerous levels of caffeine, just to make it through the day. I made word of my Assdragger's Syndrome to my pychologist (who is more unstable than me, by the way) and now I've been having the same side effects of Geodon, instead of Haldol. It's as if the government thinks I'm so terrible, that they have ordered secret shots because I'm not taking my meds. First they secretly put me back on Haldol, which I still don't like, and now they secretly puttng Geodon again, which I still don't like. I know Geodon. It has all the side effects as Haldol (depression, lack of motivation) but now I'm itchy as hell too. I'm allergic to Geodon. I don't know if it's Spring/Summer allergies. I've never had Spring/Summer allergies before; I mean, I fucking drove an uncovered John Deer B, in the fields for 20 years and never had hay-fever! I just know I'm itching like crazy. I've been taking benedryl, for these mysterious Geodon side effects, which is what they gave me when I was on it for real and they discovered I was allergic to it, but what the fuck. I'm just a lab rat. I might just be itchy because I shaved my chest, but This is not like that Seinfeld thing. I've shaved it lots of times before, and never been this itchy. I think Gillette stopped using titanium in the Mach-3 razor, because of the recession. The Mach-3 Titanium is now called the Mach-3 Turbo, and it's probably made with cheap brush metal shit. I'm tired of typing. I will blog more later.
blog entry (04/11/2012) I am struggling right now, forcing myself to write this blog. It's been a week, and I haven't done a damn thing. I don't get it. I was so sharp when they took me off the shot. I was full of energy and creative and exercising, and losing weight too. Now, I'm zero and depressed again, as if I'm back on the shot. I dropped out of Vocational Rehab for I don't have the mindset for a full time job, like this. I did nothing all week. I am Jake's neurotransmitter drought.
I've been self-medicating my bi-lower with caffeinated beverages. It usually makes me manic, but it hasn't helped. I drank three times the Monster Zero and Sugar Free Rock Star, than what's recommended maximum on the warning label, and I'm still depressed. I can't sleep anymore, but I'm still depressed.
blog entry (04/04/2012) This is my first blog entry in almost two weeks. Usually my two week updates are full of new artwork, but my creative juices are a trickling mud puddle now that I'm supposedly stable on the antipsychotics. I drank two liters of Diet Mtn Dew today struggling to stay awake, but still I've been passing out all day, like I have diabetes or something. I think I've read somewhere that Zyprexa can cause diabetes and also that artificial sugar in diet sodas can cause diabetes, so I think I might be getting it. I wouldn't mind. I'd just eat a bucket of ice cream and smoke my last cigarette, if I had it. I'm probably mistaken about the mechanics of it, but I think that falling asleep and not waking up would be the way to go. There may be more symptoms that I'm unaware of. God won't let me die anyway, with no remorse.
So I found a new site. It's new like mine: up and ready for the visitors, but nobody came to the grand opening. The webmaster of the site is similar to me, from what I gathered in our two message Facebook conversation. He is similar to me, in that he likes comics and he's cybersocial without a whole lot of real life friends. He also knows the pains of the mental health world. Somehow, being a drooling lethargic zombie, is supposed to outweigh the troubles of being too moody or happy. Ok, so about the website, it's a comic blog called Comics World. It has hundreds of famous comics in downloadable form. This guy said he liked my comics, which means a lot coming from a guy who is building a database of professional comics. It might be illegal to offer all these comics for download, but I'm not going to get into that whole kopimist speech again. I'm just going to say, that the real money to be made by comics is in printed form, maybe signed by the artist. I don't think that the comic business is going to suffer from sharing. It might even get more people reading comics and help the business, because nobody goes to the library or comic store these days; they get on Facebook and Youtube for stimulation. I like comics. In times without television or internet, comics have always been there for me. Growing up, my family only had 2 channels on TV, and every Sunday my mom would buy a comic for us at the gas station. It was a small town so the convenience store was the only place with comics. My brother got hero comics like Superman and Batman. I got the funny comics like Cracked and other generic Mad Magazine clones. When I was in the mental hospital, my mom brought me Simpsons, Futurama, and Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't much read comics anymore, I much rather make them. Sometimes I get depressed when I look at professional comics, because then I look back at my own comics, and it looks like a 6th grader made them. I've come to terms with my lack of talent, but I'm still honing my craft and getting better. I mean, that's what the masters do. I just started way too old. Yoda would have doubted me, and from looking at my comics, all the ewoks are probably going to die. But hey, I just happen to have endless amounts of free time on my hands with disability, so I might as well try. A wise man once told me that Social Security Disability is subsidiary for the arts. It would have helped if Adobe didn't buy out Macromedia Freehand MX. My entire illustrational education in college revolved around that app, and now it's deprecated and won't run on new computers without an emulator, and even then it's buggy as fuck. Free Freehand!
How do you feel about disability fraud? I’m disabled, and you work for my living. How does this make you feel? How would you feel if I told you that I’m not even disabled, but still recieve your tax dollars for disability? What if I said that because I’m not genuinely disabled, that I actually used to work, so my Social Security Disability actually pays more to me, out of your wallet, than it would to someone who is genuinely disabled? This means I have a more comfortable living, than someone on SSDI. (i.e. the motor impaired, blind, deaf, and dumb) How does that make you feel?
I’m not really disabled. I have a mental illness. It’s a commonly over diagnosed mood disorder. My doctor and my lawyer seem to think I’m disabled, because I’ve been in mental hospitals and a state regional center (the mind prison) for what seems like the better part of the last 8 years. However, I was never voluntarily in those places nor did I ever seek help for my mental illness. I was committed for being dangerous to myself or others, as I was doing things like arson and vandalism; things that undiagnosed people would just have to go to jail for. I guess you can say that I caused my own mental illness by using marijuana when I was young. I no longer use said substance, but the damage caused by the marijuana seemed to awaken a predisposed and innate genetic mental illness. Many (young) people debate that marijuana is a miracle drug and that it can't cause mental illness. I don't know why, it only held back the renaissance, the industrial revolution, and the computer age for 4,000 years until it was finally made illegal and regulated by modern society. Anyway, the subject of this story is that I a have a mood disorder, no matter how I got it, and I have a free ride on your tax dollars.
I can be stable if I want. I have medications for the imbalance of neurotransmitters in my brain, and in my 8 years in the mental health system, I’ve found a combination of pills that suits me well. It gets worse. I don’t even need the pills. I seem to be perfectly balanced as long as I stay away from stimulants. My demon of choice is caffeine. With my imbalance, a simple pot of coffee, a few caffeinated sodas, or an expensive hype energy drink, causes the same stir of neurotransmitters in my brain that drugs, that hipsters use, do. I can quit any time I want, go back to work, and live an honest living. However, I’m too busy being high as kite and having my hallucinations and mania, because I can’t control myself. I’m a junkie.
Don’t try and get me arrested. For the record, I’ve tried to convince my doctors that my illness is caffeine sensitivity and addiction to an unhealthy level of neurotransmitters. I don’t think he understands. One thing about the mental health system in my state is that all the doctors are from foreign countries. They may have several MDs from prestigious schools, but they don’t know enough English to work at Apple Tech Support, let alone understand 1st world psychology.
I'm not lying on purpose per se. I was offered a juicy government steak because I have a problem, and I took it. I could probably go to rehab for my caffeine problem, if such a thing existed. It may... ? I mean, I'd be a pretty incompetent at any above poverty income employment. I would only be good at flipping burgers. This country doesn’t need more easy food, and I’m quite comfortable doing nothing. There was an incident of incompetence where my brother works. He builds Japanese windmill power generators, and it’s a massive operation. Everyone wants green, so that crazy BS is in high demand. A lower level guy who also worked there, probably poorly trained due to the company’s competitive budget, was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time and lost a leg. My brother explained it like the windmill tower was like a giant corn cob, and one of the corncob holders (spinners?) fell off and took off his leg. I can picture myself being that man very easy. I would just be walking along minding my own business and thinking my racing thoughts a mile a minute, and wham! I’m an amputee! My brother has the same diagnosis as me, but has never been dangerous to his self or others (though he’s ironically in danger every day) and he works for my living. I fear for his life as well.
blog entry (03/23/2012)
I don't really feel like blogging, or doing anything for that matter. My medications have built up a level, and I guess all is supposed to be well except for the crippling lethargy and lack of energy. All day, I just watched TV and ate a bunch of food. I'm not a threat on my medication, and I guess that's all that matters. I think that if the state mental health board really knew me, and not just what's on paper, they wouldn't consider me dangerous. They watch too many crime dramas and see too much bad news on TV, and it is they who really have the wild imagination.
blog entry (03/16/2012) I went to vocational rehab this morning. I'm pretty sleepy. I don't know what it was about. And I thought I was manic; The teacher rambled from 8:30 am to 12:00 pm. My brain shut down after the first half hour. There were no props, digital presentation, or anything to capture the attention. Years ago, I took a class in video production. The best piece of advice that was given to me by the instructor, was that the average American attention span is 30 seconds. So, I guess I did pretty good. Every hour, she finished rambling and gave me a xerox piece of paper of what she said. I'm going to read it later after a good night's sleep. I'm pretty sleepy right now. I have some ideas for art projects, but I need to grow up and face the real world.
I'm not a starving man in Africa or anything, but even I wish I wasn't born right now. I have to walk the Earth for what seems several lifetimes in several dimensions, and after that I'll probably be walking in hell for an eternity. Heaven is an exclusive club, and I'm not on the list. I'm too pretty to be straight. I have to be here, because my parents bumped uglies many lifetimes ago. Stop breedin'. Babies won't go to hell if they are aborted. You are only BORN with original sin. I quit for now; blogging later...
I made another change to my image viewer. I made it so that the zoom stays at your custom setting, when clicking next and previous. No man was complaining about having to re-zoom in every time they click next (I have a guestbook), but a little bird voice (credit unknown) made me think of it. Now I just have to learn HTML5, so the quality stays good on all browsers (Chrome, Safari). The latest versions of Internet Explorer and Firefox have nice quality. I use Firefox. Also, a function that I would like to tackle in the future is drag to scroll. I have an Apple swiping mouse, so it never occurred to me. Client side script is hard, because all the browsers play their own game, plus I was in a drooling coma in web design class 8 years ago. Also I suck at algebra and don't know the formula to center when zooming, to the center that you are scrolled to, and not the absolute center. Where is Mr.B when you need him? I was a teacher's pet.
I don't have anything much to blog about. The Nikes are real nice, but I noticed fresh blisters on my Achilles if I walk a mile with loose fitting laces. I have to snug up the laces better, or tape up my feet like in football. I've been having trouble with blisters lately and that's why I bought new shoes so this might just be blisters from my old shoes. They were just cheap Wal-Mart. These Nikes are pro. I don't know if my feet are too big or too small or what. I've been size 13 since puberty and that's what I buy. I just know that I'm manic and putting on a lot of miles in a desperate attempt to shed the weight and treat my colon cancer (schizoaffective disorder). I don't have much to talk about. Here is some new art.
blog entry (03/09/2012) No artwork in this update. It's only been a day. Plus, I'm back on my meds so inspiration has been a fickle mistress.
Help! I heard a song on the radio and it's stuck in my head. I didn't pay for it! The government is going to put me in jail, and surgically remove the song from my head! So I have a 3rd generation iPod Shuffle. It's pretty much useless if you don't have any music. I download illegally, unless I really like something (can't find something elsewhere), then I buy it for 99 cents per, on iTunes. I've had internet service shut down before, for using P2P, so these days I just use (beeMP3) I'd post a link to that, but I don't want to lose hosting (piracy). I'll just leave that one up to Google. I'm akopimist of sorts, and I believe the spreading of material data is a good thing for humanity. I'm not really a full kopimist, because I'm cybersocial, and don't talk to anybody in real life. A true kopimist, if I'm not mistaken, believes in all kinds of sharing knowledge that includes vocally. I'm just a quiet pirate who heard about a foreign religion. Anyway, data is not really free no matter how you get it, unless you still live in the 1990's and have dialup Net-Zero (it actually was free). I have to pay for internet service. Therefore, everything I have, I paid for (in a way). Indian giver is not a service, or else everybody would be rich. Besides, it's just 1s and 0s on the computer that I already own. How are you going to say you sold me something that I already own? It's like denying me sight and sound. Anyhow, (beeMP3) is only useful if you know the name and artist of the song that you want to download. I miss the Limewire days, when you could just search a genre and find new stuff to listen to. Recently, I'm trying out a new app that downloads from Last.FM channels. These channels are free to listen to, but the app is probably illegal because Last.FM channels are supposed to just be for streaming. However, I see a flaw in this logic. These days, iPods have Wi-Fi and iPhones have headphones and 3G internet or whatever. If I have one of those gadgets and listen to Last.FM channels, it's pretty much the same thing as downloading it to my shuffle. I still pay for my internet. The Last.FM radio lets you skip, fast forward, and stuff, just like my Shuffle, and all the music was uploaded by the original artist with the optional agreement to allow streaming on Last.FM channels, so I'm not taking anything that they weren't willing to share. I'm just not listening to it online. Tie me to a log and throw me in a river, if that's what you do. As for the whole music video infringement on YouTube and other streaming sites, I don't get what the big deal is. You still made the song or music video, no matter whose YouTube channel it is on. Why would you want to stop free promotion of your music? People might not hear your song or see your music video elsewhere, you should consider yourself lucky that your fans are spreading your music to potential customers. It's cheaper than getting your video on TV, it's absolutely free.
How can you claim ownership of data, a tiny electric sequence? I mean, I bought an album on iTunes last year for about $10 and it was about 20 songs in MP3 form. I'm now sick of it, and I've deleted it from my iTunes. I'm contemplating removing it from my harddrive altogether, but that would be a waste of money. If it was an old tape or CD, I could drop it of at a Good Will consignment shop, give it to a friend, or maybe even pawn it for some cash. How can I do that with data? If I put it on a flash drive and shared it, the SOPA-PIPA's would call that illegal.
They are putting a high priced tollbooth on the information super highway. I'm going to miss it, the freedom. I'm probably going to be an old man, reminiscing to the youngins about the old days of the Wild West internet, when it was all-free. Ironically, after I finished writing the blog entry in BBEdit, it says that I have to register the app with a valid serial number. Woe is me.
In other news: I switched my brand of mouthwash today. I used to rinse with the Purple Listerine, as recommended by my dentist (paid for by you taxpayers, thanks). However that stuff burns like hell, and it has given me a phobia of brushing my teeth. I only brush once a day at bedtime, against my dentist orders, and sometimes I skip brushing altogether, because I make up excuses like "I'm too tired tonight." and I flop in bed. I just switched to Act Restoring. It's pretty prime. It doesn't burn and the label says #1 recommended, even though my dentist didn't recommend it. It's supposed to restore enamel, which is pretty cool, because I have bad teeth. I drink too much Mountain Dew. My dad hasn't had a cavity, in over 5 years and he never brushes.
I'm on my meds now, but I'm still not thinking too critically. Yesterday, I walked by a squirting air freshener on the wall, in the hallway of my apartment building. It went off and basted me as I walked by. I notice that I have some delayed common sense. The first thing that came to mind, was that I just got sprayed by some experimental chemical, rather than it's just a Febreze plugin or whatever. It reminded me of my old war-vet roommate from the loony home who was always screaming about the chemicals in his hair and clothes. It took too long to register in my head, so the plan is to stay on the meds. It's a shame though. I've lost about 10 lbs in the three months I've been off them. I've gone longer and have lost 70 lbs before. I had some serious munchies in the two days; I've been back on the meds.
What's the deal with airline food? I've never flown. Can anyone explain this? I can tell that I'm still manic right now, because I usually don't write this much. The doctor would call this racing thoughts. I don't think Dean Koontz has ever been on meds because I'm still 300 pages short of his caliber! ...but I don't like this, no sir! I bought some new shoes today (Nike). I will blog about that later when I take them for a test drive. I haven't worn shoes over $20 in while. I walked to the store and bought the first pair of shoes that I tried on. I would have tried on more shoes, but my socks were nasty from the walk with dirt and sweat, and I decided to be courteous. There is no sidewalk, for most of the street; I had to walk in the ditch for about 8 miles. I can't burn dinosaur blood like everyone else...
blog entry (03/08/2012) It's only been 4 days since my last update, but I've just made a lot of changes to this website. You may have noticed, that there was a temporary "Under Construction" notice, if you just tried to visit (Though I know you didn't because nobody comes to my site). This is because I was too lazy to upload all the files that I individually updated, so I took down the whole thing and re-uploaded it. You won't notice many of the changes, because they are PHP. This just makes it easier for me to make changes to the site, because it automatically displays the HTML without me having to manually add a ton of code like a curator. One thing you might notice is that the thumbnails on the art page page are bigger. Nobody was complaining about tiny thumbnails (probably because nobody has visited my site in the 3 months that it's been online), but I didn't like those tiny thumbnails, so I made them bigger.
I have a new age undocumented personality disorder that I like to call "Cybersocialism". In the daycare center, you are supposed to be social with your peers and that is supposed to help you recover somehow, but I can't do it. I don't say anything to anybody. I just sit there all day, listening to my iPod. It's boring hell, is what it is. I would socialize with my peers if I could, but my mind is pure blank around people. For some reason, I only have things to say, when I'm alone in my apartment and on my computer. I socialize in chat rooms and online forums, by typing on my keyboard. I think I'm "Cybersocial" because I was raised in the country, 30 miles from town. The town itself was a small rural town and it was a 3-hour drive to any place that would be considered urban. My two brothers turned out functional, but I have no friends and I never had. I just never left the house, as I was always on the computer. I participated in chat rooms and forums, for all of my young life, and I think that's how I got this way.
I got a good sleep last night, when I took my meds again. I was still hearing voices today, but I need to build up a level for them to go away. I had a repeat dream that I was in this facility like the mental hospital. It was like a movie, and I was an actor. I was still fat like me, but for some reason, my voice sounded like Justin Timberlake, and my words felt like movie lines, like they weren't my own. It started out; I was with my brother and my sister-in-law. I'm writing this at 7:30 PM. I should have written this part of the blog at 7:30 AM, when I still remembered most of the dream. My sister-in-law was crying about something. Her tears annoy me, she cries all the time about something. I was asking my brother what the deal was, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. She's currently almost two months pregnant in real life. I had the feeling something happened to her baby, like a miscarriage or something. I secretly hope for a miscarriage, because I don't want to be an uncle, but back to the dream, I went to go bug my sister-in-law about her tears. In my dreams, I'm outgoing and not cybersocial. I don't talk to her much in real life. My brother was trying to comfort her with food, as she was eating pizza and donuts and all kinds of things (she's rather zaftig in real life). I was like "So bitch? Eating comfort food I see. You look pretty comfortable right now, if you know what I mean." I think I was trying to make a bad fat joke or something. It made sense in the dream. She just snapped back, "You're more comfortable than me!" After that, it turned into a flying dream for some reason. My brother and his wife were gone, and I was flying around a labyrinth-like building with all kinds of locker doors on the walls and the walls kept sliding, and creating new rooms like traps. I was flying all the way to the ceiling, which was quite high. This put me in a good mood, because usually in my flying dreams, I fall flat on my face when I try to fly. Everyone else was flying too, but not as high as me. I was screaming at them from up above, bragging that I'm the highest, like I won a contest. The next thing I knew, the sliding walls trapped me, and it was like I was in the mental hospital. This made me afraid, like I lost my Peter Pan happy thought, and I fell to the ground. Everyone was wearing mental hospital patient scrubs (XXL code labeled). There were guards by the door. One guard looked similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, but only in T2 were he was a good guy. He tried to let me out and the other guard shot him in the face and killed him. The dream seemed to last for weeks. I forget most of it. The dream ended, when I was in the lunchroom, crying on the ground, because they wouldn't give me any ice cream. It seemed to be like a major metaphorical omen, about me not taking my meds. Happy and flying high one day, the next minute, no freedom at all. I forced myself to wake up, like I usually do when I have nightmares. The first thing I thought to myself, was "I had this dream before", although 12 hours later, I don't remember having the dream before. The part that seemed familiar to me, was probably from a real life incident in Richard Young, when I was crying, "He was Jake Jilg!", but that's another story. In the dream a doctor woman in business apparel was handing out forms with our names on them. I noticed she gave a man the form that had my name on it and I attacked the man trying to get the form. I don't remember what the forms were for, but it seemed important, like if they know who I really was, I could get discharged from that horrible place. She called the guards who restrained me, as I was crying with a Justin Timberlake voice, "He was Jake Jilg!" I think they let the man with my name, go free, and I had to stay a few more months until I awoke. I don't remember.
blog entry (03/04/2012) I'm trying to quit smoking. I fell off the wagon and smoked a whole bunch today and yesterday. I didn't really need to, but I've been depressed the past two days. My community support worker told me it would help if I just hold a cigarette, and not light it or anything. She still smokes, and it's no wonder why. I used to try the same thing when I was 12 and I was trying to quit masturbating (I thought it was a sin) just hold it and you won't get the urge. My foot!
I just had a weird experience. The voices in my head are talking to me again, and up until now, I've been convinced that the voices were merely my own thoughts gone radical, but they just refereed to me as a "curator", when I was updating my website. This word is not in my vocabulary. I had to google it, and it's like a museum manager (but I knew that). My page is my artwork, so it's like a museum I guess.
I'm a little creeped out right now, because my thoughts used an accurate word to describe me that I did not know.
Anyway, Hi! I'm Jake Jilg, the curator of this webpage and I've added some things. There are no new animations. It's a well known fact, that I've abandoned animation and I don't make projects that take more than one single day to make. However, I did make some more artworks this past few weeks, because I've come into some inspiration again. I really shouldn't say what my new lease on life is from on the grounds that it could incriminate me. That being said, I feel the need to inform you that it's not drugs. It's actually NOT taking any drugs, that I feel so creative again. Don't tell Scotty! (because I actually am supposed to be on drugs) Scotty doesn't know! I've actually been adding new artwork and comic pages as I made them, so they are already on the art page and have been there for a few days, but I felt the need to post links to all the new stuff, so in the rare chance you've actually visited my website before, you'll know what's different, without having to go digging for worms.
Also, I have a few hidden comic pages of a new project that I'm currently working on. I would upload the finished pages, but I want it to be in chronological order when I upload it, and I've already made scenes from the ending, and I don't want to post it until I finish the middle parts. All I'm going to announce is that it's about my life in Fremont America, 7 years ago. That is my life, if my schizophrenic hallucinations and delusions were real. I have a boring life, and an autobiography would be a waste of your time and mine, but if I turn fantasy into reality, I hope to have something interesting. Here is a sample page that I made in the comic, before I really had a plan to plan to write this thing.
This is a scene of an actual onomatopoeia that I experienced and interpreted as a hallucination of my illness. I told the doctor that I could hear birds talking. This was probably a mistake, because I was ordered to take dopamine-blocking nueroleptics (antipsychotics) that have been stifling my creativity and diminishing my motivation over the years. I was naive and new to the mental health system, and I had much faith in it back then.
blog entry (02/08/2012) This is probably going to be my biggest update ever to my site. I added 25 animations to the Games/Animations page. So now it has a total of 33 animations. I kind of went against my principles though, and added my old stuff that is not really worthy of being in my portfolio. I call that section my Reject Animations. These are the cartoons that I made in my earlier years of Flash design, so they are crap, but it kind of creates a feeling of nostalgia to have them all in one place.
I also added an old TGF game to my Games/Animations page that I found on one of my old burned CDs from back in the day. I found out a way to convert it to Flash with the freeware Newgrounds Version of TGF2, but it has some glitches. I don't recommend playing it. I think I'm the only one who can beat it, because I made it.
The art page is now up. Like my animations page, it contains my reject graphics and my flunked work from college as well. I figure if I put the bad art next to my moderately ok art, it will make it look moderately good in comparison. It took a lot of sitting on my ass, typing my fingers to the bone, but it's done. I made an image viewer for my graphics and comics that lets you zoom in. My client side scripting is made from testing one browser only, so there may be errors. I just needed to get this up immediately. I promised an art page in December, and it took me until the middle of February to finish it. I kind of got depressed in January. As nice as the weather was, I didn't really leave the apartment. I stayed home all day, skipping work and eating lots of junk food. I think I gained 30 more lbs. Instead of working on the website, I've been chatting online and masturbating to amateur internet porn constantly. I don't know what was wrong. This week, something just made me sit down and make it. I will probably never be this motivated again.
blog entry (01/08/2012) I just spent all day scanning in one of my old journal/sketch books. I'm going to put it in the art/writing segment of my web page. I still have 4 more to do and those are bigger than the one I just did. I have rounded up all of my FH11 files of my art and comics (I need to export from Freehand MX 11); I'm going to add those to the pile. I also have a few Quark files of stories/letters that I wrote, that I need to export PDFs. All of this will be going in the art/writing segment. I also found another old website to add to web design part.
None of this stuff that I have just described is up yet, so hang tight. I will have my shit in order soon enough.
blog entry (12/21/2011) I've decided to get my website back up. This is like the 8th time I've totally redone the site. It's the second time I've registered the domain jakejilg.com... This time I went with GoDaddy. It was a little bit cheaper than my previous registrar, so I decided to get the site for a few extra years. This is the part of the site where I will keep my blog. I'm not much of a blogger, so it will just have information about updates to the site, like new artwork uploaded or new features. I may occasional preach about my mental illness(es) or post about how creamy caesar salad dressing is just as good as, or if not better than ranch dressing. But for now, please enjoy the new site. Much of this site is going to remain under construction for few weeks. I'm going home for the holidays tomorrow, and I won't be back until January 2012.