blog entry (07/15/2015) I just want to masturbate!
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Been up all night. There I stayed up all night and my circadian rythme is on a caffeine induced bass wave. Last night I buy groceries
after club and it was hot as dick. Drank four liters of water to rehydrate. Refer to the blog entry about my lazy maintenance man, I'd
post a hash link, but my links are generated automatically. He stuffed boards in the drain pan of my ac instead of under it warping
the basin into spout for condensation onto my carpet. Part two (hurf durf) of this story begins last night. My downstairs neighbor
knocks. I'm in underpants thinking about Youtube Videos, I flop on sweatpants come to the door without a shirt. Did the maintenance stoner
finally come back after fucking up my AC a month ago with no return? No it's my little old lady downstairs neighbor, water is leaking
through her ceiling. I had a pan down to catch the AC leakage. It was dripping on the floor further back in. Up all night battling the
paradox of running Freehand Mx in the future year of 2015, because I finally bought a legal Windows to emulate with but all they sell
these days are Windows 8.1 Pro and What the bread is Windows 10? Idk. Mailman? I have Windows 8.1 Pro. It cost me a pretty penny,
making for one $300 Adobe Mx box, three stable paid updates of VMware Fusion $80 + $50 + $50. It's too much money given how much I
suck at vector art, but I've already posted about how I don't really have my own money. (proofread edit after a 20 hour nap coming soon)
I mean this morning seems like a good time to buff my balls, but this morning the maintenance shows up (finally). I've told the landlord
like 3 times this month, but looks like he only snaps to when the little old veteran residents show up. Oh she stopped by at 4:30am
with her dog, probably to piss on the floor: Bitches walking bitches. All I heard was the noise, followed by "good boy".
jquery until I've finally achieved comprehension, however he has no backspace. If he was working on your car it would be
all scratched up with pizza boxes for wheels. Fucking fuck tard.
I was just about to see what Youtube suggestions (based on my watch history) Google wants to further poison my fragile definition of
sexuality with. That's right. I masturbate with minimal feeling to Youtube. I get a call from Vmware Support. Thank god he didn't see
what I was looking at. That's right. He made me install a browser widget to share my screen and give him control over the mouse.
All the while I'm freaking out on sleep dep and creepy alien girl things and Anonymous videos and recent telemarketing scams I've been
recently getting and cycling through each possibility in my mind... In my support ticket I requested to be contacted by email.
The phone call put me on the spot so I didn't even have time
to google if webex is legit and safe. All I know is I could see pauses of activity like I couldn't see what he was doing
and little popups of multiple people can see your shared files. I don't deserve a computer anyway if shit is going down.
I was clicking random videos on Youtube at the time and the phone ran in the middle of trying to comprehend a video
message from the Anonymous, so my schizo sleep dep mind jumped to that. I think anonymous is all these tech support nerds in
India who have full access to your computer at a click of the mouse. He was a nice guy.
blog entry (07/06/2015) Dear Blog Update
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I made a script refer to this page and add links for all the blog entries.
The table of contents isn't very descriptive. I might add something to detect the most common words or something this morning. If you
see it, I did and if not, I did something better with my time. Like what? I'm wearing panties. I didn't blog this yet, but in April I ordered
knockers bikini briefs for men on eBay. Somebody in my apartment building actually stole the parcel. I'd like to see the look on their face
when they open the bounty and they see a package of no-fly bikini panties in a package with a gay muscles male model on it. The sad
thing is, that person is probably wearing them now. I thought about printing a wanted poster and hanging it in the laundry room.
The knockers panties were an impulse buy, and I thought I'd only use them for like photos. I want to take a picture of a tree
with sexy leg branches wearing the panties. Oh, and I would also wear them. I was so broken up about having my mail stolen, that
something I bought that was on impulse and I didn't have much intent on ever using before, made me obsessed in getting what's mine
so I reordered the same panties and I waited by the mailboxes when it reported the tracking day. Now I'm wearing them.
I ordered men's large, but half of these feel like boy's large with the wrong label. Having these makes me happy though.
What did I do on the forth of July? I slept all day. I awoke to hear the local firework show... Then I fell back asleep. I had a
reoccurring dream that I'm crossing what seems like a field of shoulder-to-shoulder train tracks with trains coming every which way.
Then I saw a little asian girl in a bed and I crawled into be with her and she whispered something into my ear. I don't remember what...
So should I make my image view ajax instead of ahref? The jakejilg.com visits in your history would be staggering right now,
but first somebody would have to look at the artwork.
Another update to my webshite. I put my clean fine art aways from the smutty regular art smutty porn comics. My split of the art.php
array came with some errors at first, on the art page and the image viewer, but I've knocked it down.
blog entry (07/01/2015) Dear Blog
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Hello blog. My maintenance man is incompetent. I forgive him though. I am too. I've got about 40 comics that I've
already posted on my various b9mx.com and nsfw.b9mx.com
comic blogs, that I'm too lazy to add to the jakejilg.com gallery so far. It's just that he really did a
slop ass job on my leaking AC (still leaking), and he won't come back. What a fucking pot head.
He stuffed boards under the thing so now the bottom of the case (I want to call it a drain pan, but maybe because it's just full of water)
thing is now bowed from the weight of the unit and it's tipped right towards my carpet like a spout and my carpet is
now getting wetter than before. Also the cover won't even go back on with that AC now all jacked up with boards under it
so the cover is just sitting there and the air filter just barely hanging up in between the cover and the unit, pretty much useless
because it's not going to filter air and if you bump the jerry rigged thing it falls to the floor. Not only that, but when he
was working on it he was cursing like a sailor and I think he even called me dumb-ass. His presence made me feel real uneasy like
getting yelled at in football practice which is why I dreaded the end of every fall school day.
He might have been talking to himself, as he
well should have, because this leaking thing is jerry rigged like a piece of junk and he even screwed the power cord with a power drill
putting the cover back on the outlet case. Real comforting that the thing is leaking all over the floor with exposed wires
with the power cord only inches above the puddle of wet carpet. The screws are 1-inch long, wide thread. Who the hell needs a power drill for that easy of a screw?
This new maintenance man is straight out the meth clinic. I want to work on the AC myself, but that's too much of a deposit risk, being a rental apartment.
I also added random ghost phrases to random posts.
blog entry (06/28/2015) Dear Blog
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Good morning blog. I'll throw up the pride blog entry face again. I'm not sure if I missed pride week or not. I haven't been following.
I just heard a rumor that gay marriage just got legalized in all 50 states. That's cool. The problem with monogamy
tho is that it's only between two people. I like my gay sex to form a train.
Oh. And I found an archive of my old Tumblr posts; it's from the short time period when I switch jakejilg.com
to Tumblr. I edited out of the Tumblr elements and converted the html. I'm sure this blog is now ripe with
invalid HTML markup, but I'm in no rush to fix it. Crap, I'm the only visiter to this whole block of Jake Jilg
personal websites. My visitor log proves it.
It's really just a journal to myself. I have no idea why I can't just make it offline. If there isn't the
illusion that other people can see it, I have no motivation to write in it.
I did a funny on my other blog to that aspect. Bye. -Jake
blog entry (06/09/2015) Happy 69!
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Today is 69. Happy 9 of 6! 9 will have hers turn in September... I don't have much to blog about. I seem to be at
a mental impasse. I can't get off my meds, there therefore I don't have enough motivation to live my life. I can't
can't get off my meds unless the Mental Health Board sees me living a stable/functional motivated life and ends my
involuntary medication order and outpatient commitment. It's a catch-22. I did say I function well off meds. The
catch is that everyone else with control over my life, except me, believes that I will be crazy off meds, but
I've got to add up the evidence against that. I was making a comic every damn day. If you check my
Freehand Mx blog archive
, you'll see proof of that. And those are just the SFW comics. They even made sense! This year on this rotten shot
I'm lucky if I can make one comic a week. And the writer's block is on a chemical level. You can tell that whenever I
finally do make a comic, it's completely nonsensical. That's all I can fart out on meds! My stupidest most pointless
Those Damn Chipmunks
, which was supposed to be a one page/ one time deal, part of Lolicost, but it turned out to be my longest comic!
Even worse each page is just copy/paste/mutilate vectors from previous comics. I can't create anything. When I was off
my meds, I had a volunteer job. This shit turn in my life at least could motivate one true inspired artwork.
It inspired this horrid depiction of my life. I gained 70 lbs on this shot! The shot not only has weight gain as a
default side effect; It cripples your motivation and energy so you can't exercise. It diminishes the chemical happiness
that food naturally provides the brain, so to compensate you must overeat or be in Kenya-esque hunger pain. When I'm not
eating I must sleep. Since sleep provides more dopamine for the brain than when awake, I find myself staying up for 24-30 hours,
just so I can have a glorious 20 hour sleep, followed by 10 hours of just laying in bed. When I was off meds, I pitied
the drug junkies in the state mental hospital purposely fighting sleep to get high. Now I'm one of them. I had the right
to pity the junkies, because I don't get locked up for using drugs and being addicted to the chemicals in my brain.
I get locked up over having my god-given natural levels. I've had these levels my whole life. I'm lost without it!
Any human would be broken if you restricted a vital part of their functioning brain!
I've added some comics to the artwork page. They've been on my Tumblr for a while. I update that blog more often than this blog.
blog entry (03/01/2015)
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This blog is more of a diary that I'd otherwise not be inspired to write in unless it were
open to the world public as it is because it's a narcissist diary. So I figured out why the order
of the thumbs were alphabetical order of filename instead of the order I wanted, as I placed them
into the array of titles. It's because I iterated the scandir array and then the title name array
during the iteration, instead of vice versa. I rewrote to only reiterate inside reiterate to
check for thumbs and now only count if both files exist (you don't care) but so long story short,
now when I get around to adding titles to all these files. They will be the order I put them in.
It's more automated if I just go by filenames, but I want to add titles and give order. A little
more work than automated, but not (booya?) the supposed automated system I had first (I bragged about in
an early post) because I manually added all the file names, all the titles, all the thumbnail width height,
and all the photo width height. It was madness to call that automated. Pfff... I eat my own breakfast...
blog entry (02/07/2015)
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I rewrote the thing that shows the whole art.php so now it refers to any array for a title
and thumb.jpg and lightbox.php sort of deal. What well if it doesn't find the that part of the array,
it just refers to scandir() to find all the image files that aren't in the title array. Instead it just
shows a filename for the title. I will need to get it caught up and name everything, but I'm lazy
there is like over 4 thumbnails! Also for styling and lightbox purposes I used Better Finder Rename to
add the width and height to the filename of each thing. So theres what that. I foretold there will be
much parts of this site broken yet or comics (more recent) not add, but it doesn't matter. I'm only doing
this for me. Nobody else will take that much note I'm just free wheeling here.
What that means it will show all the pictures and thumbs no matter what, just some don't have a title.
Now the only part I have to do manually is add a title to the the titles array with the property key
that matches the filename (sans the extra _w_ _h_ that is the file width/height). Before my system was
set up so that I had to manually add all the images into the array with filename and width and height
and it was a painstaking process. I also just ran all of my JPEGs thru ImageOptim app so they should
be more cost effective on bandwidth.
Another change I just did at 5am this morning is I put the folder of thumbnails into the directory
of each directory of JPEGs. Before I had two separate folders with identical folder structures
and one for full size and one for JPEGs which was painstaking for me to navigate to add new images
and such. This new system will be much more time saving for me as I curate my vast collection of crap.
It's not like the order matters in a TGP style art gallery, but for the life of me I don't know how to get
it in order. I add it to the array in the order of the titles array, but for some reason it comes out
alphabetical according to filename with titles first and filename titles second. Also it goes by null number
as alpha-greater than a number so filename comes after filename1 and filename2 which comes after filename12.
So I may have to write my own sort function.
blog entry (02/05/2015)
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Back from the dead. I just decided to pull the jakejilg.com "franchise" and domain name off
of Tumblr and put it back onto paid hosting. I got hosting for other reasons, hosting files and APIs, but
because I have it, I might as well put the website I made back up. Here or there, nobody will ever visit it
anyway. The 15 posts per page doesn't really organize and show all my crappy artwork at
once. I much prefer my thumbnail gallery and crappy IE'esque windowed lightbox for some
reason. I'm bringing it back. I've got much to do before this crappy site is back up and
running 100%. All the thumbnails and images in the art page are broken. I ran a duplicate
photo deleter on my harddrive and I accidentally deleted all the web exports because they
were too similar to the originals. I think I'm going to rewrite how the artpage works
anyway. Not much doing. This update is more for me to just switch my name servers and
A-RECORD CNAME stuff off of Tumblr and back onto my shared host. So much of the page is
broken right now. Coming back to life is not easy. You don't care because the odds are
that you and nobody else in the world will ever see jakejilg.com anyway. Goodbye Tumblr.
There will still be the B9MX Tumblr blog which you
will find encompasses all of my artwork in Tumblr blog form and there are also sub-blogs
with stuff like my photography, scripts, etc. there.
blog entry (anything 2013-2014)
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If you are wondering where blog entries of 2013 or 2014 are, I started
B9MX.com and jakejilg.com just redirected to that.
In 2014, I split my wordy text posts out of b9mx.com and put them back in
tumblr.jakejilg.com. Now both of these blogs
exist like a parallel universe where they are both jakejilg.com, but everything is different.
tumblr.jakejilg.com is the evil universe because it is on Tumblr.
I was in the state mental hospital for most of 2013.
I haven't written a blog thing in over a month. I've been depressed, but
this is mostly because I've been busy. I redesign my blog again. I took
a long hard look at my 20 blogs and realized they were not only ugly,
but inconvient. Everybody was only following my main blog, so they
missed out on all my comics and art posts (if people actually came to my
site that is). I decided to delete all 20 blogs and repost everything
on my main blog, and use tag pages instead. The only inconvience is that
now my main has to have the NSFW option for all, but that's ok; I'll
attract the people I want I attract.
You may notice that all my tagged pages are dead links. This is
because I have to repost everything and tag it. I was going to reblog,
but now that I have more experience with tumblr and my custom theme, I
want to re-render most of it to fit. Like for instance, use photosets
instead of one picture comic picture with multiple same size frames. My
hobbies are never done, but when my work is my hobbies; my work never
really ever starts.
This time, I'm using the queue rather than posting everything at once.
Therefore, my followers won't get flooded and unfollow me. Another bug
found is that I can't delete 3 of my 20 blogs. I'm very disappoint and
Tumblr support is being very stupid about all of my bug reports.
I'm starting therapy (counseling). I met with a social worker today and
she did an assessment or whatever as to why I was seeking therapy and it
seems to be all set up so far. I just need to do some paper work for
Medicaid to pay for it and stuff. I might be getting a new doctor too. I
see a doctor from Omaha through Telehealth, but it doesn't seem to be
going anywhere. The communication is lacking. The doctor is Indian and
English is not his first language, so it's already hard enough to
understand him, but it's also through a computer microphone and the
sound is distorted. All he seems to do is go down a checklist of
symptoms like "Are you having any so-and-so?" (voices, depression,
mania, thoughts of wanting to hurt self or others, etc.) I have enough
experience with mental health and medications, that I could do his job. I
need a counselor who will listen to my life story and explain my
situation to the doctor. I'm not good with talking to people and
explaining myself, but a counselor is a professional in asking all the
right questions. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder based
on my poor communication with my doctors and I'm now stuck. I know that
I'm not schizophrenic. I may be bipolar like my mom, but I know that I
don't need antipsychotics. Antipsychotics make me depressed and they
stifle my motivation and creativity. I was diagnosed in college when I
was using marijuana for the first and only time in my life and using it
heavily and I was baked out of my skull. The marijuana created
schizophrenic like features so I was diagnosed. Ever since then my
immature behavior has gotten me committed by the board of mental health
for doing things that would otherwise make me do jail time or pay fines
if I wasn't diagnosed. My behavior has nothing to do with schizophrenia
and I'm being wrongly diagnosed and force medicated. I'm hoping I can
explain my story to a counselor who can explain it to a doctor and the
mental health board for me.
I'm going to start going to Vocational Rehab again. My visits with them
were interrupted by my mental hospitalization. They are going to help me
work again. I've been living on Social Security Disability since 2007,
only working small volunteer jobs. When I haven't been in in-patient
mental health facilities for the past 5 years, I've been doing time in
group homes and forced to go to adult day care centers so it's been
difficult to get enough free time to work. I also don't have a car so
transportion is a problem. I plan on getting a bicycle. I have my own
apartment now and I no longer have to go to adult daycare. I'm tired of
being a leech on society. I need to take care of my self for a change. I
used to work in a warehouse and I also worked at Wal-Mart. I grew up
working for my father on the ranch, but I don't think I have enough
agricultural talent to be a hired man for another farm or ranch. I also
worked fast food at McDonald's and Sonic. That sucked and I don't want
to do that again.
In other news, I like anime. So I've just finished watching a series at Just Dubs called Casshern Sins.
It's about a world inhabited by robots. Humans are there, but they are
going extinct. It was interesting to me at first, because it was in this
apocalyptic world were everybody was slowly rusting away and dying.
Then the plot got more confusing. It turns out that everybody was dying
in a period called the Ruin, because there was this half-robot
half-human guy named Casshern. He wasn't a cyborg, as he was not made
out of human parts, but he was this new species of robot that could
reproduce sexually. He was originally a killing machine, but then he
developed a conscious and lost his memory of all his killings. It turns
out that he supposedly murdered a robot named Luna and that was causing
the Ruin, because Luna supposedly gave life to the world. It turns out
that Luna was giving lifespans to the world and
therefore killing everyone and that's why an emperor named Braiking Boss
hired Casshern to kill her. However because Casshern was a robot who
could give life and Luna was a robot who could give death, their blood
mixed and somehow spread death to the world and started the Ruin. It
doesn't make much sense, but I can dig Sci-Fi stuff. Luna was still
alive in the end. The anime left a lot of unanswered questions like "Why
was Casshern immortal?" or "Who was the baby Ringo?" and "Why was she a
robot who could age?". Ringo is this little girl robot who grows up
from a baby robot and is a grown woman in a brief ending scene. I
thought it was going to turn out that she was the daughter of one of the
reproducing robots. There were only three of them, one being Casshern.
The scientist who created Casshern found Ringo as a baby and raised her
as his own. Casshern's race was created by a scientist. I don't normally
get into anime, but I saw an episode of this at Adult Swim Video
and I just had to see the rest of it. So far I've watched the entire
seasons of: Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Big O, Burst Angel, Yugioh, Dragon
Knight - Wheel of Time, Tales of Phantasia, FLCL, Full Metal Alchemist
and Darkstalkers. I may write a review for them in the future. I've seen
episodes, but not full seasons of many animes like Inuyasha, Ghost in a
Shell, Girls Bravo, Wolf's Rain, Samurai Champloo, and many more that I
can't think of.
I just saw Pixar Brave. It made me cry. I detect a pattern. Normally
movies don't make me cry, but I also cried at Kung Fu Panda II. At first
I thought it was psychological transference, like the panda lost his
mom and I lost my mom. Now I know why I cry at these CG movies. In about
90 minutes, I get to watch graphic design at a caliber that excels me
by 9000 times, and I went to graphic design college and now live off the
government. All I've ever made is cheap comics and for me, it took a
lot of practice to get as good as I am. Then I watch Pixar Brave and
other CG movies and I am literally pwned. I started crying at the fight
scene. It wasn't about the plot anymore, it was about watching graphics
that I will never make in this lifetime. I am a failure. The movie was
good, but the title was so-so. I mean the movie is about a ginger girl
who turns her mom into a bear. It should be called "Bear" or "Curse" or
something. "Brave" makes me think of Braveheart, like it's going to have
some sort of celtic war like adventure, not just saving a cursed mom. I
don't rate movies, but because the graphics surpass mine by like 9000
times, I give it 5 out of 5 thumbs. I learned some CGI 3D in college. We
were taught Carrara 3. I suck at it. I mean I could make something that
resembles Nemo (on dope), in simple geometric shapes only, but I can't make it move.
other news: Happy 4th of July! It's the Independence Day of our nation.
I don't know what to say about it, other than Happy Independence Day.
We get to light off fireworks to celebrate not having a queen or liking
soccer-type football or cricket. I'm just celebrating my own
accomplishment of successfully uploading all of my old comics and stuff
to my Tumblr blogs. Go check it out. One by one, I uploaded all of my
old artwork and wrote captions. It took some work, because Tumblr has a
mysterious daily upload limit that I maxed out various times. From here
on out, everything that I post will be new stuff, unless I find
something old that I forgot about.
I got wet! This is that Nebraska weather where it can be sunny and hot
one minute, and then pouring rain the next. So I was out walking to
Radio Shack after my volunteer walking work at the kennel. The next
thing I know, it's pouring rain. I bought a mousepad at Radio Shack. I
decided to get a pad with a wrist support, because I was getting a calus
on my wrist. It was from all my hours clicking graphics together I
suppose. I got a rubber 3M gel wrist rest
mousepad. It was the only wrist pad they had in stock. It cost about
$30. It should be worth it. I guess I'll write a review since it cost so
much. It's disappointingly hard. It's not a bad thing, I mean, I've
been clicking on it all afternoon and haven't notice much difference
from my cheap foam mousepad which is soft. It's just that, I like
mousepads to be soft. If I wanted hard, I'd just use the mouse on the
desk. It's a hard smooth pad, so it's the same texture as my desk. It
claims to be a special texture specially designed for laser mouses. It
seems to work pretty good. I did a graphic just to test it out. I can't
really notice the difference. It's supposed to save battery life somehow
too. The gel wrist rest is really nice though. 4 out of 5 stars for the
comfort level. I just wish it wasn't so stiff and hard. The nice thing
about it being hard rubber, is that I can wash it like a dish with dish
soap. I already accidentally goobered on it with something sticky and it
washed off real nice. It's not what you think. It was glue. My mouse
had glue on the bottom, because my cheap mouse pad was peeling so I
peeled the fabric from the foam part, and there was this thin layer of
glue from the cheap pad stuck to the bottom of the mouse. I've been
using my naked foam pad without the fabric part for a while, not
realizing that the cheap mousepad glue was coming off onto the bottom of
my Apple Wireless swipe. The Apple Wireless mouse could be called
something else. I mean it was called a mouse because the wire looked like
Getting back to this rainy day situation. I got caught in the rain,
walking home from Radio Shack. I was listening to my 3rd Generation iPod
Shuffle. It's a tiny thing without buttons. I got used to the not
having buttons part, you just have to use the $25 Apple Remote Earbuds,
in order to change songs. The remote is this attachement to the
headphones with three buttons: volume up, command and volume down. The
command is in the middle and you double click it to move forward a song,
tripple click it to go backward and click once to play/stop. Anyway,
I've walked with my Shuffle before in the rain and never had a problem.
This time it wasn't so lucky. The 3gen-shuffle is air tight. There isn't
even an opening for a battery. This time, a drop of rain found my tiny
little iPod pinned to my shirt collar, and went in. The thing still
works, but for some reason it keeps looping back to the same song. This
really sucks, because the remote headphones that came with the thing,
were peeling rubber and getting dim in the volume. I had just ordered a
new pair of remote headphones from Apple.com (my town doesn't have an
Apple store). I exercise a lot so my headphones take a beating. This is
actually the longest a pair of ear buds has lasted me, because the
Shuffle pinned to the shirt collar causes less wear-and-tear then my old
MP3 players in the pocket. So anyway, I'm going to need a new iPod. I
have a brand new pair of Apple remote headphones anyway. I'm going to
get a 4gen Shuffle. It has buttons, so if my headphones ever break, I
won't need to get Apple replacements. Those are too expensive. Cheap
headphones have really good sound too. I don't have refined ears; I
don't know the difference between cheap and expensive headphones.
EDIT: I just tested my Shuffle now that it dried, and it works just fine. Looks like I don't need to buy a new one.
In other news: I just got out of the mental hospital again. I checked
myself back in, because Haldol Decanoate was making me depressed. I
tried to convince the doctor that I don't need neuroleptics because my
chemical imbalance is not that severe. Therefore, blocking dopamine
gives me the same chemical balance of clinical depression. He wouldn't
listen because he was legally obligated to put me on something. I have a
forced med order from the board of mental health. He put me on Invega
Sustenna. I'm going to try it for a month and see how it works.
My art blogs are almost complete. I've published all of my art work from
my old website. Therefore I wouldn't follow any of my art blogs for at
least two weeks. If you follow them now, your Tumblr dashboard will be
flooded with my posts. I've maxed out my photo upload limit multiple
times, uploading all my old artwork. So now all my blogs are up-to-date,
except for WTF Random. I will do WTF Random tomorrow. I'm at the photo
limit. The links to my blogs are to the right. I must say, I rather like
seeing my art in Tumblr rather than my old thumbnail gallery. It gives a
better preview, so not everything needs to be clicked. The only problem
is the bottom to top, kind of ruins it for chronological order. I mean
people normally read top to bottom, but I think if anyone is interested
in reading my comics in chronological order, they can figure it out.
In other news: I walked to Wal-Mart and I bought a Philips Norelco
Powertouch because Mach3 Turbo started giving me razor burn lately. I
think they stopped using Titanium in the Mach3 because of the economy. I
think I used to use Mach3 Titanium. Their cheap metal was making it
look like I had herpes a day or two after every time that I shave. I
only have to shave once every two or three days, unless I want a five
o'clock shadow. Sometimes I do want one. Anyway, there were like three
power touches that all used HQ8 heads. There was one about $60, one
about $70, and one about $80. I got the cheapest one. They all use HQ8,
so I don't see the point in spending $20 extra. I didn't realize that
the more expensive ones were water proof and/or with beard trimmer
attachment. Mine is not waterproof, nor does it have a beard trimmer
attachment. The waterproof one uses HQ8 too, so I just took the head off
to wash it. I assume that HQ8 are waterproof since the waterproof model
also uses them. I'm just going to use my leftover Mach3 razors on my
I also started smoking again. I had just quit in March. It's just that
I'm on neuroleptic medication again, so I need that extra boost at first
to bring me back to level. I've been drinking a pot or two of coffee a
day. A pot of coffee would keep me up all night off meds, but I'm back
on them so I have no more caffeine sensitivity. I'm also only going
smoke a pack or two and quit again. When I have that painful craving to
smoke, it inspires me to do something else like 20 pushups. So
throughout the day, I'm doing pushups to fight the urge to smoke and I'm
ripping my pecks and biceps or whatever the pushup motion does. So yes,
I can smoke for health. However, I think that smoking is good for
mental illness is just a myth. It seems to me that Big Tobacco claims
that smoking is good for bipolar or schizophrenia, just to sell more.
It's never really helped with my symptoms.
It's only been 4 days since my last update, but I've just made a lot of
changes to this website. You may have noticed, that there was a
temporary "Under Construction" notice, if you just tried to visit
(Though I know you didn't because nobody comes to my site). This is
because I was too lazy to upload all the files that I individually
updated, so I took down the whole thing and re-uploaded it. You won't
notice many of the changes, because they are PHP. This just makes it
easier for me to make changes to the site, because it automatically
displays the HTML without me having to manually add a ton of code like a
curator. One thing you might notice is that the thumbnails on the art
page page are bigger. Nobody was complaining about tiny thumbnails
(probably because nobody has visited my site in the 3 months that it's
been online), but I didn't like those tiny thumbnails, so I made them
In other news: I'm back on my meds again (I take antipsychotics for
schizoaffective disorder). I went off my meds in December because they
stifle my motivation and creativity. The voices in my head were getting
too bad. I was making another page in Lolicost.
It was going to be a lolicon parody comic of 2girls1cup, but now it's
something else and it is another credit unknown. The voices in my head
kept giving me tips, like "Make her hair bigger! Big hair!" and "Knock
the guy out! Have the girl grab a bat! Better yet, a gun! I don't know!"
I must say, that the voices in my head improved this comic. It probably
would have sucked if the voices didn't change the original direction
that I was going in. However, it's just getting too real for me. I know I
live in an apartment building for retired and disabled, and I know I've
been involuntarily committed to mental hospitals 5 times, and I know
I'm also receiving a free ride with social security disability, and I
also know I receive Medicaid and Medicare that pays for the medications
that I've been disposing of, but somehow with all this nonsense, I've
been in denial, like there is nothing really wrong with me. I an artist
and medications are the enemy, and the mania and voices are my friends
because it helps me to create artwork, but I've made the same mistake
enough times to know where this is going. I was going to do something
stupid and end back up in the hospital again and lose all my freedom.
Actually there is no more hospital for me, because I'm on strike three
with the mental health board. If I'm dangerous, I go straight to a
Regional Center. If they find out that I'm not moving forward (taking my
medications, getting a job that's not just one hour a day, etc.) then I
go back to the home, where I'm not allowed to have my computer or
internet, and I'm not allowed to go out walking like I love to do, and
worse yet I have to attend an adult daycare center, where I have to sit
around for 8 hours a day and do nothing, but stupid daycare chores.
I have a new age undocumented personality disorder that I like to call
"Cybersocialism". In the daycare center, you are supposed to be social
with your peers and that is supposed to help you recover somehow, but I
can't do it. I don't say anything to anybody. I just sit there all day,
listening to my iPod. It's boring hell, is what it is. I would socialize
with my peers if I could, but my mind is pure blank around people. For
some reason, I only have things to say, when I'm alone in my apartment
and on my computer. I socialize in chat rooms and online forums, by
typing on my keyboard. I think I'm "Cybersocial" because I was raised in
the country, 30 miles from town. The town itself was a small rural town
and it was a 3-hour drive to any place that would be considered urban.
My two brothers turned out functional, but I have no friends and I never
had. I just never left the house, as I was always on the computer. I
participated in chat rooms and forums, for all of my young life, and I
think that's how I got this way.
I got a good sleep last night, when I took my meds again. I was still
hearing voices today, but I need to build up a level for them to go
away. I had a repeat dream that I was in this facility like the mental
hospital. It was like a movie, and I was an actor. I was still fat like
me, but for some reason, my voice sounded like Justin Timberlake, and my
words felt like movie lines, like they weren't my own. It started out; I
was with my brother and my sister-in-law. I'm writing this at 7:30 PM. I
should have written this part of the blog at 7:30 AM, when I still
remembered most of the dream. My sister-in-law was crying about
something. Her tears annoy me, she cries all the time about something. I
was asking my brother what the deal was, but he wouldn't give me a
straight answer. She's currently almost two months pregnant in real
life. I had the feeling something happened to her baby, like a
miscarriage or something. I secretly hope for a miscarriage, because I
don't want to be an uncle, but back to the dream, I went to go bug my
sister-in-law about her tears. In my dreams, I'm outgoing and not
cybersocial. I don't talk to her much in real life. My brother was
trying to comfort her with food, as she was eating pizza and donuts and
all kinds of things (she's rather zaftig in real life). I was like "So
bitch? Eating comfort food I see. You look pretty comfortable right now,
if you know what I mean." I think I was trying to make a bad fat joke
or something. It made sense in the dream. She just snapped back, "You're
more comfortable than me!" After that, it turned into a flying dream
for some reason. My brother and his wife were gone, and I was flying
around a labyrinth-like building with all kinds of locker doors on the
walls and the walls kept sliding, and creating new rooms like traps. I
was flying all the way to the ceiling, which was quite high. This put me
in a good mood, because usually in my flying dreams, I fall flat on my
face when I try to fly. Everyone else was flying too, but not as high as
me. I was screaming at them from up above, bragging that I'm the
highest, like I won a contest. The next thing I knew, the sliding walls
trapped me, and it was like I was in the mental hospital. This made me
afraid, like I lost my Peter Pan happy thought, and I fell to the
ground. Everyone was wearing mental hospital patient scrubs (XXL code
labeled). There were guards by the door. One guard looked similar to
Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, but only in T2 were he was a good
guy. He tried to let me out and the other guard shot him in the face
and killed him. The dream seemed to last for weeks. I forget most of it.
The dream ended, when I was in the lunchroom, crying on the ground,
because they wouldn't give me any ice cream. It seemed to be like a
major metaphorical omen, about me not taking my meds. Happy and flying
high one day, the next minute, no freedom at all. I forced myself to
wake up, like I usually do when I have nightmares. The first thing I
thought to myself, was "I had this dream before", although 12 hours
later, I don't remember having the dream before. The part that seemed
familiar to me, was probably from a real life incident in Richard Young,
when I was crying, "He was Jake Jilg!", but that's another story. In
the dream a doctor woman in business apparel was handing out forms with
our names on them. I noticed she gave a man the form that had my name on
it and I attacked the man trying to get the form. I don't remember what
the forms were for, but it seemed important, like if they know who I
really was, I could get discharged from that horrible place. She called
the guards who restrained me, as I was crying with a Justin Timberlake
voice, "He was Jake Jilg!" I think they let the man with my name, go
free, and I had to stay a few more months until I awoke. I don't
As you may know, I've recently decided to move my personal homepage to Tumblr to cut hosting costs and to get better SEO
as part of a social network. I've wrote about it all in my blog. I've
put most of my hobbies on hold for a week, as I've been doing much
redesign to my site to make it more Tumblr friendly. On my old
JakeJilg.com, I had all my artwork sectioned off into separate pages. On
Tumblr, it's going to be the same way. I created like 20 subdomains
last night and pointed them to the Tumblr CNAME, and today (with
successful redirection activated) I've created about 20 Tumblr blogs to
showcase all my separate comics and art-styles and what not. I'm pretty
much a free spirit scatterbrain; I never have inspiration for the same
thing longer than a day, so I'm always making different crap. All of my
Tumblr blogs will link to this page, my main blog. They also all have
jakejilg.com in the address, so I hope it's obvious that I am the
mastermind behind all of these. Basically, if you "follow" any of my
blogs and want to keep track or whatever, THIS
is the only Tumblr (JakeJilg.com) who can "follow" you back. This is my
main blog. I have read about this. I've been doing much research and
learning much, typing my fingers to the bone on Google, and taking many
soda and caffeine breaks up with my fat ass.
So I'm still fine tuning my theme. It's really just a hybrid of the
default redux theme, and the theme from my original personal homepage. I
thought we were in an age like you know, highspeed internet and fast
computers you know, everything would load just perfect. On my old
homepage, I just displayed the whole blog without pagination. All the
images loaded in order, from top to bottom and the server did all the
work with my 1-size-fits-all PHP script. However Tumblr uses pagination
(probably to spare server load) so I find myself reluntantly writing
it would progressively load the next pages as you scroll down. For some
reason, I thought this was a default Tumblr function, as the same thing
happens on the Tumblr "news-feed", for lack of a better word. It's not;
you either have to write your own function, or use a third party script.
I've been trying to write my own, because I don't trust third party
scripts. It's mostly because, I don't want to bend my theme around an
So far my blog is only about 20 entries, so 10 posts per page is really
not in dyer need of fancy HTTP request scrolling, but I hope to grow, so
I've been writing the functions all day. The only thing that I wrote
that seems to work in all browsers is the dyslexia button. It makes my
blog easier for short attention spans, by placing each sentence on it's
own line. I wish all blogs had this, I space out very easily. All my
other blogs are empty and theme-less until I finish perfecting my
scripts. They will all have the same theme, so it will be like my old
personal home page.
I'm really just having trouble with older browsers. It seems to work OK
in all latest version FireFox, Safari, and Chrome. I don't know about
IE, because I have to emulate it on my Mac, but it seems OK to me. Also,
I refuse to test in Opera, that's just too many browsers to choose
from. Don't use Opera. I really won't be satisfied until my page works
in decade old browsers, because I have a soft spot for IE6. Growing up
with Windows, every time you had to format the computer and reinstall
Windows, you had the old browser again.
I seem to have my name servers all settled in. Actually I had to edit
the A-record (IP address) to 220.127.116.11 as Tumblr is not a host or
something. I don't get it myself; I never had to do that before, as all
my webhosts used the custom name servers, but this was like DNS which
means like dynamic name server or something, idgi. All I know is that
jakejilg.com now points to my Rumblr page and my Rumblr page now points
to jakejilg.com and this means I no longer have to pay $10/mo for
Hostgator anymore, I canceled the auto Paypal. I'm just going to let it
run out, HG made the support for canceling service way too encrypted.
They must be desperate for customers, because all personal homepages are
moving to Facebook and Tumblr and things. I went with Tumblr, because
they let me show my cartoons of dicks and butts. I hope this move was
worth it. I now have to design with a template, but I've hammered it out
so it's close to my original homepage. Updating is going to be a lot
more simple now, this I can say. No more faulty HG Webdav or FTP.
I am struggling right now, forcing myself to write this blog. It's been a
week, and I haven't done a damn thing. I don't get it. I was so sharp
when they took me off the shot. I was full of energy and creative and
exercising, and losing weight too. Now, I'm zero and depressed again, as
if I'm back on the shot. I dropped out of Vocational Rehab for I don't
have the mindset for a full time job, like this. I did nothing all week.
I am Jake's neurotransmitter drought.
I've been self-medicating my bi-lower with caffeinated beverages. It
usually makes me manic, but it hasn't helped. I drank three times the
Monster Zero and Sugar Free Rock Star, than what's recommended maximum
on the warning label, and I'm still depressed. I can't sleep anymore,
but I'm still depressed.
I don't really feel like blogging, or doing anything for that matter.
My medications have built up a level, and I guess all is supposed to be
well except for the crippling lethargy and lack of energy. All day, I
just watched TV and ate a bunch of food. I'm not a threat on my
medication, and I guess that's all that matters. I think that if the
state mental health board really knew me, and not just what's on paper,
they wouldn't consider me dangerous. They watch too many crime dramas
and see too much bad news on TV, and it is they who really have the wild
to vocational rehab this morning. I'm pretty sleepy. I don't know what
it was about. And I thought I was manic; The teacher rambled from 8:30
am to 12:00 pm. My brain shut down after the first half hour. There
were no props, digital presentation, or anything to capture the
attention. Years ago, I took a class in video production. The best piece
of advice that was given to me by the instructor, was that the average
American attention span is 30 seconds. So, I guess I did pretty good.
Every hour, she finished rambling and gave me a xerox piece of paper of
what she said. I'm going to read it later after a good night's sleep.
I'm pretty sleepy right now. I have some ideas for art projects, but I
need to grow up and face the real world.
I'm not a starving man
in Africa or anything, but even I wish I wasn't born right now. I have
to walk the Earth for what seems several lifetimes in several
dimensions, and after that I'll probably be walking in hell for an
eternity. Heaven is an exclusive club, and I'm not on the list. I'm too
pretty to be straight. I have to be here, because my parents bumped
uglies many lifetimes ago. Stop breedin'. Babies won't go to hell if
they are aborted. You are only BORN with original sin. I quit for now;
I'm come to a point in my 2012 where I'm really disappointed in myself. I
got locked back up in a mental hospital and I'm forced to take an
Invega Sustenna shot every month against my will. Before they trusted me
with pills, but I decided not to take them. I don't think I needed to
be in the mental hospital. Since I got out of the hospital in June I've
gained 50lbs. Yeah, it sucks pretty much. I'm sporting some really nasty
buddha belly with matching luv flaps. It really sucks, because I had
just lost 50lbs in the winter and spring. With all my energy of being
off the antipsychotics, I was walking every day and I was almost back
down to my high school freshman weight. I had energy to go jogging and
climb up on bales and jump across from one to the next like in this
video that I made (the music is from Youtube). This shot drains my
energy so all I do is sit around and fall asleep. My brain is also
starved for stimulation because the shot blocks dopamine and serotonin,
so I find my self stuffing my face with sugar and smoking cigarettes
just to get a good feeling. Atypical antipsychotics are notorious for
weight gain, even though they claim that it's only a little, I've gained
50 lbs! Since I have my energy drained by antipsychotics, I've started
self medicating with sugar free energy drinks. This week I've decided to
fight back. I've also just started Hydroxycut.
I've noticed a big difference in my energy. Apparently this stuff is
concentrated anhydrous caffeine. I've got out walking again. I'm still
too depressed to go out for too long, but I'm still on the trial dose. I
have a feeling it will be better when I increase to a regular dose.
In other news. I've redesigned my site. I accidentally lost my CSS file because I saved over it. My CSS file is hosted on Drop Box,
and when you save or put a file in the drop box folder on your
computer, it instantly syncs up and uploads to Drop Box and overwrites
the original hosted file. This has been really handy for Tumblr, because
when I'm writing my theme, I can instantly see changes and I don't
really have to keep uploading CSS and JS files, because they
automatically save to Drop Box. Anyway, since I was spending a few hours
to rewrite my CSS from scratch, I decided to redesign the site. I also
took on my endless scrolling script that I abandoned. You may notice
that it works now (there is an option to turn it on in the upper right
corner of the site. I don't know what I was doing wrong before, but now
it seems to work. I still hasn't tested it on other browsers IE. I've
since gotten more used to coding for Tumblr. At first I was intimidated,
because it all seemed like a bunch of templates, but it turned out to
I wrote it from scratch. You may notice that my script is full of
comment lines and it's less confusticated than most scripts. This is
because I often forget what parts of my script do. I don't have memory
for all the functions I write and variables I name. I would post my CSS
file too, but it's mostly just the redux theme with a few select changes
on my part.
I'm going home for the week so I won't have any new comics for a while.
You may have noticed my new comics have been kind of trickling lately.
This is because my medication is making me lethargic and depressed. It
blocks dopamine in the brain so it also gives me anhedonia,
which is the inability to experience joy or pleasure. I find it very
hard to make comics lately, because I get no artistic satisfaction and
because of this, my recent work has been lacking effort. I've only made
about 6 new pages since I got out of the hospital. Off meds, I found it
much easier to brainstorm as I was making 2-3 new comic pages a day, and
making other graphics and photography in between. The problem is, I
have a forced order from the Board of Mental Health to take medications
so I can't refuse. I get a monthly shot of a neuroleptic antipsychotic.
I've gained 20 lbs on this medication as well. I no longer seem to be
able to experience joy in exercise, so I've basically been eating and
sitting on my ass. My problem is that the doctors are prescribing based
on a psychological profile that I've caused for myself in my past 10
years. The problem with that, is they are diagnosing me based on the old
me off my meds rather than the new me off my meds. The old me was
delusional, as I thought I was Jesus among other things and I was very
paranoid. However I believe that I have recovered from that. Back then I
was heavily using alcohol and marijuana as a stupid teen trying to be
cool. I had no business using those drugs, as I had no tolerance. I
thought I was going to die every time I smoked weed, but I persisted
trying to be cool. It was doing obvious damage to my brain and body, I
felt like suffocating from smoking it. I smoked until my brain popped
and I thought I was Jesus. However, I have not smoked weed or have been
drunk since my 20th birthday. I'm now 28. I believe that in 8 years, I
have recovered from the damage that I caused my brain. Now when I'm off
meds, I'm creative and energetic, but most importantly I'm happy. I
don't have hallucinations, and never really had. I've learned to
distinguish from my wild imagination and reality. Some times, I'm caught
up in the fantasy of what causes my inspiration when I write comics or
think of something to create. I say voices in my head told me to make
that. This is because, I'm not always creatively "on" or able to think
at all on medications. This makes it difficult to brainstorm, and I
don't have any ideas. When I'm on the medications, I lose motivation for
creative things, therefore the magic that is my creativity must be the
illness and I humbly give the credit to my illness. However I'm starting
to gain insight and wisdom. I'm not disabled and I have no mental
illness. I'm just an idiot who has made a lot of poor life choices. When
I was considered dangerous to others or myself for committing crimes
that would otherwise send a non-diagnosed person to jail, I just being
angry or immature like a normal idiot.
The last time I was committed, I was EPC'd for sleepwalking (which
worried my family) and then I behaved rudely in front of the Board of
Bental Health. I behaved the way I did, not out of my illness, but
because the last time I faced the Board of Mental Health, I did hard
time for my immature behavior; they sent me to Lincoln Regional Center
for 4 months and then I had to live in a group home and attend an adult
daycare center for 2 years as my outpatient commitment. I was so afraid
that they were going to send me away and/or take away my apartment, that
I was desperately debating with my doctor about my supposed need for
medication. They gave me a court order to force medication, because once
again my doctor was diagnosing me from the past and not from the
present. I've done some research, and I think I know what cause me to
sleep walk. People who sleep walk generally have lower levels of
dopamine. I was taking dopamine blocking antipsychotics as a sleep aid
rather than as prescribed.
I have a plan this time to get off the medications and maybe off of
disability for good. I'm going to talk to a therapist. I'm going to
explain that I find doctors intimidating and have been having trouble
communicating my supposed mental illness to them. Whenever the doctors
asked me to describe what I'm like off my medications, I describe the
old me who was tweaking from marijuana and thought he was Jesus rather
than the new me who finds newfound happiness, creativity, and energy
being off of the medications. I'm going to have my therapist sit in with
a doctor and hopefully change my diagnosis to something lesser like
basic bipolar without schizoaffective features, or maybe even a total
clean bill of mental health altogether. Then my therapist will help me
talk to a lawyer so I can have a hearing with the Board of Mental Health
and end my out patient commitment and forced medication order so I can
go back to work and live a normal life. Hopefully if I can convince any
doctor that I'm sane even off meds, his testimony will really help.
Happy pride week! I'm an undeclared virgin for life, so I have no
sexuality, but I've been hearing about it on the radio, and I figured
what the gay, I can have pride too. I masturbate to some gay porn, even
though technically I'm not gay, I'm just an undeclared virgin for life
who likes ALL porn.
In other news, I'm going to check myself back into the hospital next
week. I can't take this Haldol ANY MORE!!! I'm going to try to convince
the quacks that I've been misdiagnosed with this schizo bipolar stuff,
for the past 10 years, when my real problem is really an undiagnosed
sleep disorder. I don't know how long I'm going to be in the hospital,
so don't expect any blog updates anytime soon. I mean, I DO get weird
MENTALLY, but only after a week with very little sleep or a day or two
without sleep. It might just be, that my only problem is sleep. I plan
on getting clean from all anti-psychotic medications, and then
participating in a sleep study and find a healthy sleep aid… and OFF OF
anti-psychotics once and for all!!! The anti-psychotics create the
illusion that they fix my problem, but this comes at a cost. They are
neuroleptic. This means they block dopamine in the brain. This helps me
sleep of course, but it does the same thing chemically to my brain that
happens to clinically depressed people. Read about it.
I complain to doctors that anti-psychotic medication makes me
depressed. They in turn, place me on antidepressants, but that doesn't
work, because most common antidepressants work with serotonin when my
only inherent problem is the dopamine. I just want my own natural
dopamine level! I need to fix my MENTAL problems with a good nights
sleep. The anti-psychotics have many other side effects that I am also
experiencing, like akathisia (uncontrolled muscles movements)… no
worries, it can only become PERMANENT!
In other news: I'm making a promo4promo. This means, I found another
blog, and they said that they would promote my blog, if I promote their
blog. I didn't even find this blog on Facebook or Gaia. I found it on
Yahoo Answers. Who knew? Anyway, check out this blog. I've checked it
out. It has a lot of artsy photos.
This makes me want to upload my photos to my own photography blog. It
will been soon. I have 2 main blogs (one is just a blog-map), and 16 art
blogs. I am currently re-exporting all of my artwork, to upload high
resolution to my art blogs. I plan to have my art up this weekend. Check
it out Sunday; it's under construction at present.
May 5th, I was at home for the weekend, and I was having trouble
sleeping. I had stayed up the night before. I guess I had a nightmare
and sleepwalked around the house. I frightened my family; they thought I
was off my meds again, so they had me committed to the region mental
hospital. I just got out yesterday. I missed my birthday (May 14th).
Worse yet, now I can no longer flush my medications, because they don't
trust me with pills. Now they have me on a shot called Haldol Decanoate.
I get a 100mg shot in the butt, every two weeks. I'm going to see if I
can get it lowered. I don't know if it's because I've been in mind
prison for a month and a half, but life on the outside is just not as
fun as it was. It could be, because I over glorified it in lock up, but I
remember life different. I was happy all the time (they would call it
manic). I was constantly brainstorming ideas of webcomics to make (they
would call that racing thoughts). Now I don't feel like walking around
the city, or writing my blog, or doing anything creative. The Haldol
antipsychotic blocks dopamine in the brain, which makes me depressed.
blog entry (04/14/2012)
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Still, no new artwork. So I'm having a pretty shitty time lately. I went to the Red and
White game at Memorial Stadium, but it was cancelled due to thunderstorms. It wasn't even
raining when they announced that we had to leave. The thunder didn't really start until
three hours later. They at least could have played until it got bad. When I was in high
school, we played Burwell in a thunderstorm far worse than this. They never called the
game off, we just had to take timeouts to retreat to the locker-room, when it got too
nasty. This gave us more time to have our ass ripped by the coach for losing the game.
The Huskers officials are pussies. I'll bet that one of the refs had shit his pants or
something, and was just looking for an excuse to go home.
I'm not really a Husker fan. I'm only a Husker fan by proxy of my family,
because we watched so many games together. I don't know the players anymore
or even remember most of how football really goes, I just watch and
secretly hope they can get the ball in the in-zone or kick the field goal.
So in a way, I'm glad I didn't have to sit through the game. Anyway, since
we were in Lincoln, we decided to do some sight-seeing in the Haymarket. I
was with my two brothers and my sister-in-laws. I don't miss Lincoln; I
used to live there. I've gotten used to my small town. Even though there
was no game, there were Husker fans everywhere, screaming "Go Big Red"
cheers. We ate at a place called
Actually, I watched them eat; I wasn't
hungry. I don't know if it was the shitty weather, the game being called
off, the anxiety from the crowded streets and traffic, or maybe the fact
that everything on the BB's menu reminded me of road kill, but I just
wasn't having it. I'm trying to save my money anyway, because I don't work
full time like my brothers. I only ordered a $2 cup of coffee. The waitress
looked like she was 14 and she had a nasty scar on her face. It reminded me
of my scar from working at age 10, when I almost lost a finger to a mower
sickle. The place was busy, so I felt bad. I also know what it's like to
work in a restaurant (Sonic, McDonald's), so maybe I didn't order anything
just to take it easy on them. Their taxes pay me anyway. The place was
packed with Husker fans, so we had to eat outside on the stoop. It wasn't
even raining. The stoop was also packed. The food and coffee refills came
surprisingly fast though. I drank a few cups coffee, even though it tasted
like piss (cheap Wal-Mart instant coffee), but only because I didn't want
to make eye contact with my siblings while they were eating. They kept
offering me food, but I told them I felt sick. The four of them are all
obese, and they kept saying how skinny I was, and accused me of being some
kind of anorexic or some shit. I weigh 240 lbs! According to the calculator
I have BMI of 29.22 (6ft 4in, 240
lbs.) which is in the red and obese! My older brother (350 lbs. 6ft 3in)
was threatening me, saying that I'm too skinny and I'm acting "weird" and I
need to go back to the mental hospital. I think they are just getting blind
in their middle-ages. I'm the only one in my family who doesn't wear
glasses. (20/20 vision, but I see things that aren't there).
The mental hospital made me fat, because the medications have weight gain as a side effect. On top of that, the medications block all stimulation in my brain and make me depressed and I end up eating buckets of ice cream, desperate for a feeling. It's why I started smoking as well. I could probably try meth on antipsychotics and still only get back to level. When I tell the doctors that the neuroleptics are making me depressed, the doctors just put me on antidepressants. The only problem with that is that the antidepressants increase the production of serotonin, but I'm depressed from not having dopamine, as it's blocked by the antipsychotics. So all that the combination does, is give me the same brain chemistry of a female worker ant, which is a foreign feeling to me. That's why I'm like fuck that; I'm not taking my meds. They effect the brain far worse than the supposed mental illness. I used to have faith in the meds, when I was first diagnosed as a teenager, but then again I was 19 and I thought drugs were cool. Psychiatry has fucked up my brain, far worse than the supposed mental illness. See proof of my brain damage here (sad, but true). I started a discussion because I couldn't remember if Minnesota was a city or a state. I would have Googled it... IF I WAS A 9 YEAR OLD!!! I was so alarmed by my memory loss, that I needed to start a discussion. My mom was taking an antidepressant Celexa. It was the first time she had ever been on an antidepressant; before she had only had therapy and a mood stabilizer for a short time. Celexa lists suicidal ideation as one of the side effects. Sure enough, my mom killed herself after being on it for less than a year (2009). Celexa recommends going to a doctor if you suddenly want to kill yourself, but it fucked up her mind's chemistry so she wasn't thinking clearly enough to go to the doctor. I also know that mom never read the tiny print folded paper that comes with every bottle of pills. They have so much Greek, it probably intimidated her. When my parents were forcing me to take my Geodon, Zyprexa, Abilify, Risperdal, or Haldol, they never read the papers either. They just blindly gave me the shots, like the veterinarian had recommended it; like I was another one of the cows on their ranch and I had hoof and mouth. I read the papers. I didn't know all the Greek words, but I googled most of it. It turns out that all these meds do pretty much the same thing; block dopamine. This is very dangerous. Think of your brain as a sponge. When it's wet, it's healthy and malleable. I can think clearly and sharp. Then put the sponge in the microwave to dry it out. It breaks like a cookie. I have lost most of my childhood memories (the memories that I still have are distorted), and I now have a permanent akathisia in my neck and back (a neurological side effect of tinkering with the brain).
This might sound paranoid. I want to make a fair request that you are reminded that I am merely a creative person, while reading this. My past couple weeks have been hell for me. I'm not taking my meds, but it feels like I am. I've been dragging ass lately, like somehow, I've been secretly been receiving my 250 milligram Haldol shot. I've been tired as hell and I've had to consume dangerous levels of caffeine, just to make it through the day. I made word of my Assdragger's Syndrome to my pychologist (who is more unstable than me, by the way) and now I've been having the same side effects of Geodon, instead of Haldol. It's as if the government thinks I'm so terrible, that they have ordered secret shots because I'm not taking my meds. First they secretly put me back on Haldol, which I still don't like, and now they secretly puttng Geodon again, which I still don't like. I know Geodon. It has all the side effects as Haldol (depression, lack of motivation) but now I'm itchy as hell too. I'm allergic to Geodon. I don't know if it's Spring/Summer allergies. I've never had Spring/Summer allergies before; I mean, I fucking drove an uncovered John Deer B, in the fields for 20 years and never had hay-fever! I just know I'm itching like crazy. I've been taking benedryl, for these mysterious Geodon side effects, which is what they gave me when I was on it for real and they discovered I was allergic to it, but what the fuck. I'm just a lab rat. I might just be itchy because I shaved my chest, but This is not like that Seinfeld thing. I've shaved it lots of times before, and never been this itchy. I think Gillette stopped using titanium in the Mach-3 razor, because of the recession. The Mach-3 Titanium is now called the Mach-3 Turbo, and it's probably made with cheap brush metal shit. I'm tired of typing. I will blog more later.
blog entry (04/11/2012) I am struggling right now, forcing myself to write this blog. It's been a week, and I haven't done a damn thing. I don't get it. I was so sharp when they took me off the shot. I was full of energy and creative and exercising, and losing weight too. Now, I'm zero and depressed again, as if I'm back on the shot. I dropped out of Vocational Rehab for I don't have the mindset for a full time job, like this. I did nothing all week. I am Jake's neurotransmitter drought.
I've been self-medicating my bi-lower with caffeinated beverages. It usually makes me manic, but it hasn't helped. I drank three times the Monster Zero and Sugar Free Rock Star, than what's recommended maximum on the warning label, and I'm still depressed. I can't sleep anymore, but I'm still depressed.
blog entry (04/04/2012)
back to top This is my first blog entry in almost two weeks. Usually my two week updates are full of new artwork, but my creative juices are a trickling mud puddle now that I'm supposedly stable on the antipsychotics. I drank two liters of Diet Mtn Dew today struggling to stay awake, but still I've been passing out all day, like I have diabetes or something. I think I've read somewhere that Zyprexa can cause diabetes and also that artificial sugar in diet sodas can cause diabetes, so I think I might be getting it. I wouldn't mind. I'd just eat a bucket of ice cream and smoke my last cigarette, if I had it. I'm probably mistaken about the mechanics of it, but I think that falling asleep and not waking up would be the way to go. There may be more symptoms that I'm unaware of. God won't let me die anyway, with no remorse.
So I found a new site. It's new like mine: up and ready for the visitors, but nobody came to the grand opening. The webmaster of the site is similar to me, from what I gathered in our two message Facebook conversation. He is similar to me, in that he likes comics and he's cybersocial without a whole lot of real life friends. He also knows the pains of the mental health world. Somehow, being a drooling lethargic zombie, is supposed to outweigh the troubles of being too moody or happy. Ok, so about the website, it's a comic blog called Comics World. It has hundreds of famous comics in downloadable form. This guy said he liked my comics, which means a lot coming from a guy who is building a database of professional comics. It might be illegal to offer all these comics for download, but I'm not going to get into that whole kopimist speech again. I'm just going to say, that the real money to be made by comics is in printed form, maybe signed by the artist. I don't think that the comic business is going to suffer from sharing. It might even get more people reading comics and help the business, because nobody goes to the library or comic store these days; they get on Facebook and Youtube for stimulation. I like comics. In times without television or internet, comics have always been there for me. Growing up, my family only had 2 channels on TV, and every Sunday my mom would buy a comic for us at the gas station. It was a small town so the convenience store was the only place with comics. My brother got hero comics like Superman and Batman. I got the funny comics like Cracked and other generic Mad Magazine clones. When I was in the mental hospital, my mom brought me Simpsons, Futurama, and Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't much read comics anymore, I much rather make them. Sometimes I get depressed when I look at professional comics, because then I look back at my own comics, and it looks like a 6th grader made them. I've come to terms with my lack of talent, but I'm still honing my craft and getting better. I mean, that's what the masters do. I just started way too old. Yoda would have doubted me, and from looking at my comics, all the ewoks are probably going to die. But hey, I just happen to have endless amounts of free time on my hands with disability, so I might as well try. A wise man once told me that Social Security Disability is subsidiary for the arts. It would have helped if Adobe didn't buy out Macromedia Freehand MX. My entire illustrational education in college revolved around that app, and now it's deprecated and won't run on new computers without an emulator, and even then it's buggy as fuck. Free Freehand!
How do you feel about disability fraud? I’m disabled, and you work for my living. How does this make you feel? How would you feel if I told you that I’m not even disabled, but still recieve your tax dollars for disability? What if I said that because I’m not genuinely disabled, that I actually used to work, so my Social Security Disability actually pays more to me, out of your wallet, than it would to someone who is genuinely disabled? This means I have a more comfortable living, than someone on SSDI. (i.e. the motor impaired, blind, deaf, and dumb) How does that make you feel?
I’m not really disabled. I have a mental illness. It’s a commonly over diagnosed mood disorder. My doctor and my lawyer seem to think I’m disabled, because I’ve been in mental hospitals and a state regional center (the mind prison) for what seems like the better part of the last 8 years. However, I was never voluntarily in those places nor did I ever seek help for my mental illness. I was committed for being dangerous to myself or others, as I was doing things like arson and vandalism; things that undiagnosed people would just have to go to jail for. I guess you can say that I caused my own mental illness by using marijuana when I was young. I no longer use said substance, but the damage caused by the marijuana seemed to awaken a predisposed and innate genetic mental illness. Many (young) people debate that marijuana is a miracle drug and that it can't cause mental illness. I don't know why, it only held back the renaissance, the industrial revolution, and the computer age for 4,000 years until it was finally made illegal and regulated by modern society. Anyway, the subject of this story is that I a have a mood disorder, no matter how I got it, and I have a free ride on your tax dollars.
I can be stable if I want. I have medications for the imbalance of neurotransmitters in my brain, and in my 8 years in the mental health system, I’ve found a combination of pills that suits me well. It gets worse. I don’t even need the pills. I seem to be perfectly balanced as long as I stay away from stimulants. My demon of choice is caffeine. With my imbalance, a simple pot of coffee, a few caffeinated sodas, or an expensive hype energy drink, causes the same stir of neurotransmitters in my brain that drugs, that hipsters use, do. I can quit any time I want, go back to work, and live an honest living. However, I’m too busy being high as kite and having my hallucinations and mania, because I can’t control myself. I’m a junkie.
Don’t try and get me arrested. For the record, I’ve tried to convince my doctors that my illness is caffeine sensitivity and addiction to an unhealthy level of neurotransmitters. I don’t think he understands. One thing about the mental health system in my state is that all the doctors are from foreign countries. They may have several MDs from prestigious schools, but they don’t know enough English to work at Apple Tech Support, let alone understand 1st world psychology.
I'm not lying on purpose per se. I was offered a juicy government steak because I have a problem, and I took it. I could probably go to rehab for my caffeine problem, if such a thing existed. It may... ? I mean, I'd be a pretty incompetent at any above poverty income employment. I would only be good at flipping burgers. This country doesn’t need more easy food, and I’m quite comfortable doing nothing. There was an incident of incompetence where my brother works. He builds Japanese windmill power generators, and it’s a massive operation. Everyone wants green, so that crazy BS is in high demand. A lower level guy who also worked there, probably poorly trained due to the company’s competitive budget, was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time and lost a leg. My brother explained it like the windmill tower was like a giant corn cob, and one of the corncob holders (spinners?) fell off and took off his leg. I can picture myself being that man very easy. I would just be walking along minding my own business and thinking my racing thoughts a mile a minute, and wham! I’m an amputee! My brother has the same diagnosis as me, but has never been dangerous to his self or others (though he’s ironically in danger every day) and he works for my living. I fear for his life as well.
blog entry (03/23/2012)
I don't really feel like blogging, or doing anything for that matter. My medications have built up a level, and I guess all is supposed to be well except for the crippling lethargy and lack of energy. All day, I just watched TV and ate a bunch of food. I'm not a threat on my medication, and I guess that's all that matters. I think that if the state mental health board really knew me, and not just what's on paper, they wouldn't consider me dangerous. They watch too many crime dramas and see too much bad news on TV, and it is they who really have the wild imagination.
blog entry (03/16/2012) I went to vocational rehab this morning. I'm pretty sleepy. I don't know what it was about. And I thought I was manic; The teacher rambled from 8:30 am to 12:00 pm. My brain shut down after the first half hour. There were no props, digital presentation, or anything to capture the attention. Years ago, I took a class in video production. The best piece of advice that was given to me by the instructor, was that the average American attention span is 30 seconds. So, I guess I did pretty good. Every hour, she finished rambling and gave me a xerox piece of paper of what she said. I'm going to read it later after a good night's sleep. I'm pretty sleepy right now. I have some ideas for art projects, but I need to grow up and face the real world.
I'm not a starving man in Africa or anything, but even I wish I wasn't born right now. I have to walk the Earth for what seems several lifetimes in several dimensions, and after that I'll probably be walking in hell for an eternity. Heaven is an exclusive club, and I'm not on the list. I'm too pretty to be straight. I have to be here, because my parents bumped uglies many lifetimes ago. Stop breedin'. Babies won't go to hell if they are aborted. You are only BORN with original sin. I quit for now; blogging later...
I made another change to my image viewer. I made it so that the zoom stays at your custom setting, when clicking next and previous. No man was complaining about having to re-zoom in every time they click next (I have a guestbook), but a little bird voice (credit unknown) made me think of it. Now I just have to learn HTML5, so the quality stays good on all browsers (Chrome, Safari). The latest versions of Internet Explorer and Firefox have nice quality. I use Firefox. Also, a function that I would like to tackle in the future is drag to scroll. I have an Apple swiping mouse, so it never occurred to me. Client side script is hard, because all the browsers play their own game, plus I was in a drooling coma in web design class 8 years ago. Also I suck at algebra and don't know the formula to center when zooming, to the center that you are scrolled to, and not the absolute center. Where is Mr.B when you need him? I was a teacher's pet.
I don't have anything much to blog about. The Nikes are real nice, but I noticed fresh blisters on my Achilles if I walk a mile with loose fitting laces. I have to snug up the laces better, or tape up my feet like in football. I've been having trouble with blisters lately and that's why I bought new shoes so this might just be blisters from my old shoes. They were just cheap Wal-Mart. These Nikes are pro. I don't know if my feet are too big or too small or what. I've been size 13 since puberty and that's what I buy. I just know that I'm manic and putting on a lot of miles in a desperate attempt to shed the weight and treat my colon cancer (schizoaffective disorder). I don't have much to talk about. Here is some new art.
Help! I heard a song on the radio and it's stuck in my head. I didn't pay for it! The government is going to put me in jail, and surgically remove the song from my head! So I have a 3rd generation iPod Shuffle. It's pretty much useless if you don't have any music. I download illegally, unless I really like something (can't find something elsewhere), then I buy it for 99 cents per, on iTunes. I've had internet service shut down before, for using P2P, so these days I just use (beeMP3) I'd post a link to that, but I don't want to lose hosting (piracy). I'll just leave that one up to Google. I'm akopimist of sorts, and I believe the spreading of material data is a good thing for humanity. I'm not really a full kopimist, because I'm cybersocial, and don't talk to anybody in real life. A true kopimist, if I'm not mistaken, believes in all kinds of sharing knowledge that includes vocally. I'm just a quiet pirate who heard about a foreign religion. Anyway, data is not really free no matter how you get it, unless you still live in the 1990's and have dialup Net-Zero (it actually was free). I have to pay for internet service. Therefore, everything I have, I paid for (in a way). Indian giver is not a service, or else everybody would be rich. Besides, it's just 1s and 0s on the computer that I already own. How are you going to say you sold me something that I already own? It's like denying me sight and sound. Anyhow, (beeMP3) is only useful if you know the name and artist of the song that you want to download. I miss the Limewire days, when you could just search a genre and find new stuff to listen to. Recently, I'm trying out a new app that downloads from Last.FM channels. These channels are free to listen to, but the app is probably illegal because Last.FM channels are supposed to just be for streaming. However, I see a flaw in this logic. These days, iPods have Wi-Fi and iPhones have headphones and 3G internet or whatever. If I have one of those gadgets and listen to Last.FM channels, it's pretty much the same thing as downloading it to my shuffle. I still pay for my internet. The Last.FM radio lets you skip, fast forward, and stuff, just like my Shuffle, and all the music was uploaded by the original artist with the optional agreement to allow streaming on Last.FM channels, so I'm not taking anything that they weren't willing to share. I'm just not listening to it online. Tie me to a log and throw me in a river, if that's what you do. As for the whole music video infringement on YouTube and other streaming sites, I don't get what the big deal is. You still made the song or music video, no matter whose YouTube channel it is on. Why would you want to stop free promotion of your music? People might not hear your song or see your music video elsewhere, you should consider yourself lucky that your fans are spreading your music to potential customers. It's cheaper than getting your video on TV, it's absolutely free.
How can you claim ownership of data, a tiny electric sequence? I mean, I bought an album on iTunes last year for about $10 and it was about 20 songs in MP3 form. I'm now sick of it, and I've deleted it from my iTunes. I'm contemplating removing it from my harddrive altogether, but that would be a waste of money. If it was an old tape or CD, I could drop it of at a Good Will consignment shop, give it to a friend, or maybe even pawn it for some cash. How can I do that with data? If I put it on a flash drive and shared it, the SOPA-PIPA's would call that illegal.
They are putting a high priced tollbooth on the information super highway. I'm going to miss it, the freedom. I'm probably going to be an old man, reminiscing to the youngins about the old days of the Wild West internet, when it was all-free. Ironically, after I finished writing the blog entry in BBEdit, it says that I have to register the app with a valid serial number. Woe is me.
In other news: I switched my brand of mouthwash today. I used to rinse with the Purple Listerine, as recommended by my dentist (paid for by you taxpayers, thanks). However that stuff burns like hell, and it has given me a phobia of brushing my teeth. I only brush once a day at bedtime, against my dentist orders, and sometimes I skip brushing altogether, because I make up excuses like "I'm too tired tonight." and I flop in bed. I just switched to Act Restoring. It's pretty prime. It doesn't burn and the label says #1 recommended, even though my dentist didn't recommend it. It's supposed to restore enamel, which is pretty cool, because I have bad teeth. I drink too much Mountain Dew. My dad hasn't had a cavity, in over 5 years and he never brushes.
I'm on my meds now, but I'm still not thinking too critically. Yesterday, I walked by a squirting air freshener on the wall, in the hallway of my apartment building. It went off and basted me as I walked by. I notice that I have some delayed common sense. The first thing that came to mind, was that I just got sprayed by some experimental chemical, rather than it's just a Febreze plugin or whatever. It reminded me of my old war-vet roommate from the loony home who was always screaming about the chemicals in his hair and clothes. It took too long to register in my head, so the plan is to stay on the meds. It's a shame though. I've lost about 10 lbs in the three months I've been off them. I've gone longer and have lost 70 lbs before. I had some serious munchies in the two days; I've been back on the meds.
What's the deal with airline food? I've never flown. Can anyone explain this? I can tell that I'm still manic right now, because I usually don't write this much. The doctor would call this racing thoughts. I don't think Dean Koontz has ever been on meds because I'm still 300 pages short of his caliber! ...but I don't like this, no sir! I bought some new shoes today (Nike). I will blog about that later when I take them for a test drive. I haven't worn shoes over $20 in while. I walked to the store and bought the first pair of shoes that I tried on. I would have tried on more shoes, but my socks were nasty from the walk with dirt and sweat, and I decided to be courteous. There is no sidewalk, for most of the street; I had to walk in the ditch for about 8 miles. I can't burn dinosaur blood like everyone else...
blog entry (03/08/2012)
back to top It's only been 4 days since my last update, but I've just made a lot of changes to this website. You may have noticed, that there was a temporary "Under Construction" notice, if you just tried to visit (Though I know you didn't because nobody comes to my site). This is because I was too lazy to upload all the files that I individually updated, so I took down the whole thing and re-uploaded it. You won't notice many of the changes, because they are PHP. This just makes it easier for me to make changes to the site, because it automatically displays the HTML without me having to manually add a ton of code like a curator. One thing you might notice is that the thumbnails on the art page page are bigger. Nobody was complaining about tiny thumbnails (probably because nobody has visited my site in the 3 months that it's been online), but I didn't like those tiny thumbnails, so I made them bigger.
I have a new age undocumented personality disorder that I like to call "Cybersocialism". In the daycare center, you are supposed to be social with your peers and that is supposed to help you recover somehow, but I can't do it. I don't say anything to anybody. I just sit there all day, listening to my iPod. It's boring hell, is what it is. I would socialize with my peers if I could, but my mind is pure blank around people. For some reason, I only have things to say, when I'm alone in my apartment and on my computer. I socialize in chat rooms and online forums, by typing on my keyboard. I think I'm "Cybersocial" because I was raised in the country, 30 miles from town. The town itself was a small rural town and it was a 3-hour drive to any place that would be considered urban. My two brothers turned out functional, but I have no friends and I never had. I just never left the house, as I was always on the computer. I participated in chat rooms and forums, for all of my young life, and I think that's how I got this way.
I got a good sleep last night, when I took my meds again. I was still hearing voices today, but I need to build up a level for them to go away. I had a repeat dream that I was in this facility like the mental hospital. It was like a movie, and I was an actor. I was still fat like me, but for some reason, my voice sounded like Justin Timberlake, and my words felt like movie lines, like they weren't my own. It started out; I was with my brother and my sister-in-law. I'm writing this at 7:30 PM. I should have written this part of the blog at 7:30 AM, when I still remembered most of the dream. My sister-in-law was crying about something. Her tears annoy me, she cries all the time about something. I was asking my brother what the deal was, but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. She's currently almost two months pregnant in real life. I had the feeling something happened to her baby, like a miscarriage or something. I secretly hope for a miscarriage, because I don't want to be an uncle, but back to the dream, I went to go bug my sister-in-law about her tears. In my dreams, I'm outgoing and not cybersocial. I don't talk to her much in real life. My brother was trying to comfort her with food, as she was eating pizza and donuts and all kinds of things (she's rather zaftig in real life). I was like "So bitch? Eating comfort food I see. You look pretty comfortable right now, if you know what I mean." I think I was trying to make a bad fat joke or something. It made sense in the dream. She just snapped back, "You're more comfortable than me!" After that, it turned into a flying dream for some reason. My brother and his wife were gone, and I was flying around a labyrinth-like building with all kinds of locker doors on the walls and the walls kept sliding, and creating new rooms like traps. I was flying all the way to the ceiling, which was quite high. This put me in a good mood, because usually in my flying dreams, I fall flat on my face when I try to fly. Everyone else was flying too, but not as high as me. I was screaming at them from up above, bragging that I'm the highest, like I won a contest. The next thing I knew, the sliding walls trapped me, and it was like I was in the mental hospital. This made me afraid, like I lost my Peter Pan happy thought, and I fell to the ground. Everyone was wearing mental hospital patient scrubs (XXL code labeled). There were guards by the door. One guard looked similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator, but only in T2 were he was a good guy. He tried to let me out and the other guard shot him in the face and killed him. The dream seemed to last for weeks. I forget most of it. The dream ended, when I was in the lunchroom, crying on the ground, because they wouldn't give me any ice cream. It seemed to be like a major metaphorical omen, about me not taking my meds. Happy and flying high one day, the next minute, no freedom at all. I forced myself to wake up, like I usually do when I have nightmares. The first thing I thought to myself, was "I had this dream before", although 12 hours later, I don't remember having the dream before. The part that seemed familiar to me, was probably from a real life incident in Richard Young, when I was crying, "He was Jake Jilg!", but that's another story. In the dream a doctor woman in business apparel was handing out forms with our names on them. I noticed she gave a man the form that had my name on it and I attacked the man trying to get the form. I don't remember what the forms were for, but it seemed important, like if they know who I really was, I could get discharged from that horrible place. She called the guards who restrained me, as I was crying with a Justin Timberlake voice, "He was Jake Jilg!" I think they let the man with my name, go free, and I had to stay a few more months until I awoke. I don't remember.
blog entry (03/04/2012)
back to top I'm trying to quit smoking. I fell off the wagon and smoked a whole bunch today and yesterday. I didn't really need to, but I've been depressed the past two days. My community support worker told me it would help if I just hold a cigarette, and not light it or anything. She still smokes, and it's no wonder why. I used to try the same thing when I was 12 and I was trying to quit masturbating (I thought it was a sin) just hold it and you won't get the urge. My foot!
I just had a weird experience. The voices in my head are talking to me again, and up until now, I've been convinced that the voices were merely my own thoughts gone radical, but they just refereed to me as a "curator", when I was updating my website. This word is not in my vocabulary. I had to google it, and it's like a museum manager (but I knew that). My page is my artwork, so it's like a museum I guess.
I'm a little creeped out right now, because my thoughts used an accurate word to describe me that I did not know.
Anyway, Hi! I'm Jake Jilg, the curator of this webpage and I've added some things. There are no new animations. It's a well known fact, that I've abandoned animation and I don't make projects that take more than one single day to make. However, I did make some more artworks this past few weeks, because I've come into some inspiration again. I really shouldn't say what my new lease on life is from on the grounds that it could incriminate me. That being said, I feel the need to inform you that it's not drugs. It's actually NOT taking any drugs, that I feel so creative again. Don't tell Scotty! (because I actually am supposed to be on drugs) Scotty doesn't know! I've actually been adding new artwork and comic pages as I made them, so they are already on the art page and have been there for a few days, but I felt the need to post links to all the new stuff, so in the rare chance you've actually visited my website before, you'll know what's different, without having to go digging for worms.
Also, I have a few hidden comic pages of a new project that I'm currently working on. I would upload the finished pages, but I want it to be in chronological order when I upload it, and I've already made scenes from the ending, and I don't want to post it until I finish the middle parts. All I'm going to announce is that it's about my life in Fremont America, 7 years ago. That is my life, if my schizophrenic hallucinations and delusions were real. I have a boring life, and an autobiography would be a waste of your time and mine, but if I turn fantasy into reality, I hope to have something interesting. Here is a sample page that I made in the comic, before I really had a plan to plan to write this thing.
This is a scene of an actual onomatopoeia that I experienced and interpreted as a hallucination of my illness. I told the doctor that I could hear birds talking. This was probably a mistake, because I was ordered to take dopamine-blocking nueroleptics (antipsychotics) that have been stifling my creativity and diminishing my motivation over the years. I was naive and new to the mental health system, and I had much faith in it back then.
blog entry (02/08/2012)
back to top This is probably going to be my biggest update ever to my site. I added 25 animations to the Games/Animations page. So now it has a total of 33 animations. I kind of went against my principles though, and added my old stuff that is not really worthy of being in my portfolio. I call that section my Reject Animations. These are the cartoons that I made in my earlier years of Flash design, so they are crap, but it kind of creates a feeling of nostalgia to have them all in one place.
I also added an old TGF game to my Games/Animations page that I found on one of my old burned CDs from back in the day. I found out a way to convert it to Flash with the freeware Newgrounds Version of TGF2, but it has some glitches. I don't recommend playing it. I think I'm the only one who can beat it, because I made it.
The art page is now up. Like my animations page, it contains my reject graphics and my flunked work from college as well. I figure if I put the bad art next to my moderately ok art, it will make it look moderately good in comparison. It took a lot of sitting on my ass, typing my fingers to the bone, but it's done. I made an image viewer for my graphics and comics that lets you zoom in. My client side scripting is made from testing one browser only, so there may be errors. I just needed to get this up immediately. I promised an art page in December, and it took me until the middle of February to finish it. I kind of got depressed in January. As nice as the weather was, I didn't really leave the apartment. I stayed home all day, skipping work and eating lots of junk food. I think I gained 30 more lbs. Instead of working on the website, I've been chatting online and masturbating to amateur internet porn constantly. I don't know what was wrong. This week, something just made me sit down and make it. I will probably never be this motivated again.
blog entry (01/08/2012)
back to top I just spent all day scanning in one of my old journal/sketch books. I'm going to put it in the art/writing segment of my web page. I still have 4 more to do and those are bigger than the one I just did. I have rounded up all of my FH11 files of my art and comics (I need to export from Freehand MX 11); I'm going to add those to the pile. I also have a few Quark files of stories/letters that I wrote, that I need to export PDFs. All of this will be going in the art/writing segment. I also found another old website to add to web design part.
None of this stuff that I have just described is up yet, so hang tight. I will have my shit in order soon enough.
blog entry (12/21/2011)
back to top I've decided to get my website back up. This is like the 8th time I've totally redone the site. It's the second time I've registered the domain jakejilg.com... This time I went with GoDaddy. It was a little bit cheaper than my previous registrar, so I decided to get the site for a few extra years. This is the part of the site where I will keep my blog. I'm not much of a blogger, so it will just have information about updates to the site, like new artwork uploaded or new features. I may occasional preach about my mental illness(es) or post about how creamy caesar salad dressing is just as good as, or if not better than ranch dressing. But for now, please enjoy the new site. Much of this site is going to remain under construction for few weeks. I'm going home for the holidays tomorrow, and I won't be back until January 2012.